A moment to reflect...

It's funny how in a span of only 13 days, you feel as though your life has suddenly turned upside-down. All the things you once believed to be true is snatched away from you, taken and never ever returned. How would you feel upon waking up one day and seeing that you are in a completely new world, with new faces and a new you? What is past cannot be remembered and what is present too bizarre to grasp. Would you feel happy to start over again and bury your treasury of past regrets? Or would you cry in anguish because the dreams you've made true has now been erased from time immemorial?

Well, what I'm getting at is... Can you proudly say in your life today that you have actually accomplished something? That you have something you can be proud of? Or are you still slumping in your seat, too lazy to get up? Or are you driving yourself to insanity moving in circles...not knowing which direction to take next?

We aren't gettinng younger by the minute.

The moment we breath in life into this world is also the moment that our life slowly ends... bit by bit... second by second...

I don't think I have already done something to be proud of. It's like I'm using time to create more chaos than peace. It's a struggle. It will always be. But I'm not losing hope. These things I'm facing right now are there to make me stronger. Aja! Live. Laugh. Love. :)

Happenings... happenings...

Latest and recent upadates about my life:

- I lost my cellphone. Or rather got it snatched. Or maybe it fell out of my pocket. I am actually not sure. I know, stupid me. It was two weeks ago. (august 31-last day of the month). I was having a miserable day because of the following reasons: 1. I had my monthly period semi-unexpectedly. It was supposed to be long over. But no. It was insistent to be out of my system. I had a drop of tagos in perfectly white uniform. Plus I was experiencing the sumpong syndrome. That undeniable extreme irritable state. And yet I kept denying. 2. I left my semi-finished project at home which was due the next day. Actually I left the finished draft that I was only suppose to transfer. I was going to finish it in the library so that I could still be able to attend the prayer meeting and yet I left it. Hay! 3. My GTEC wasn't working. It was the pen I was going to use for the project. 4. I decided to skip the prayer meeting and go home early. I was looking forward to it since it happens only once a week for our cluster. 5. I am feeling totally miserable and out of myself. 6. I lost my phone because I was too depressed to notice anything.

- Last Tuesday, I fell out of the teachers desk in front of the whole class. Haha. What an embarassing moment. Me and my peers were gathered round the teacher's desk and I and another friend was sitting on the desk. When suddenly the door opened and our professor and the adjudicator for the class debate came in and my friends and I panicked. The other one sitting on the desk hopped off and took the whole table with her including me. I literally flew out of the air and fell with a thud in the floor. Result is a flat butt. Hehe. Nakakahiya! I looked like a child daw with matching doll shoes. Haha.

- Right now, I'm drowned by the pile of work that needs to be done. > I don't know where to start! I am not at all gifted with creativity. I get lost when asked for ideas. Kahit katiting wala pag kailangan mo. Hay! Need to have a topic for a speech para sa oral communications class. Preparing myself for the humiliation. And also a public speaker to be evaluated. Have to transfer the datas of our experiments in our logbook. Need to write a paper about the movie "Les Miserables" I know it's really not that much. But I just can't seem to start. Oh well, have to do it. Aja! Go go go!!! :)

First KATAYAN session...

The dreaded moment finally came last 22nd of August (Tuesday). I was actually preparing myself for what was to come. Knowing myself as being sensitive, I just put into mind that whatever will be said is for my own improvement (hopefully) and is not at all personal. And so the moment came. Well, it wasn't as bad or as horrorful as what I imagined it to be. It was actually fine.

I was the only one who brought something and so their attention was solely upon me. I guess that instead of me being the one tortured so to speak, it was actually them who can't wait for the session to be finally over. hahaha! I understand. My work really needs a lot of improvement. They were even kind enough not to tell the truth that what I had written was inches of becoming labeled as "trash". I see their minds throbbing... yelling "stop! enough!" hehe. It seems to me that I'm getting carried away by my insanity. Bear with me.

But honestly, I learned a lot and am very thankful for the advices. One thing I can say about them is that they are 101% "ASTIG!!!" No doubt about that. I'm actually looking forward to the next KATAYAN session... but before that I need to do a LOT of reading and editing. Aja!

Long time... No Post!!!

Grabe! Sobrang tagal ko na di nakakapagpost... 1 month!!! hehe... So? Ano na nga ba nangyayari sa buhay ko? It's really quite complicated, para kasing ang dami kong ginagawa and yet, I often ask myself, am I really happy with what I'm doing? Is this what I really want? Although, I'm assured that "Indeed! I love what I'm doing. I'm happy with it..." It can't be helped that when certain aspects of my life don't go as planned, I am left feeling this emptiness, this sense of not being able to sense... ("Does that make sense?" hehe...) As what was said earlier in mass, we should be prepared to have back-up plans... from plan A to plan Z... It won't always go the way we planned it to but then maybe it was God's plan that happened... and just the mere thought of that... makes me smile! Even if the the world turns its back on me, I'll still be having someone, far greater and loving... The One who receives me with open arms, no matter what... no matter when... :)

Whew!

It's a relief that they finally made up... :) It seems that I was the only one who was making such a big fuss about it... anyway I'm really glad that they were able to patch things up...! aja! Anyway, I'm hoping that no more fights among us friends would occur... it's pretty nerve-wracking... anyway it's through and it's now a closed book and it better be for the duration of our friendship... and by that I mean forever! :)

Caught in the middle

I am actually in the middle of something... A conflict between two of my friends. I don't know where to place myself and yet I chose to be in this position. I just want to help them in anyway I can to resolve the tension existing. I hope that all will turn out well. I don't want to see them uneasy with each other. Just have to be open minded about things. I should also allow them to solve it on their own and still be there to guide them in my own way. I'll be praying for this... Aja! I know that it is just a misunderstanding and it can still be solved. :)

Yey!

I have been accepted in the "..."!!! I don't want to post the name of the organization yet because I haven't proven anything yet. What I mean to say is that I still don't know if I am really worthy of being accepted. The journey haven't started. I don't know what will happen. I'm really nervous as to what awaits me and I am also excited at the same time. I hope it all turns out well. Aja!

Academic Year 2006-2007

The school year has already started. It has been over a month already. I am starting to explore a lot of things. I am trying to find my passion. I have signed up for 4 organizations... and 1 more that is still pending (pray for me guys I hope that I will be accepted although I'm not expecting much). Hay, life! I hope this school year would be a lot better in terms of academic performance. Have to stop being lazy. And I hope that I would be more active in my extra curricular activities and also during class discussions(have to speak your mind!). Well, it seems that I have a lot of improvements to make... aja!

Life would always have problems and I have to learn to live with it. That doesn't mean I should ignore it but rather I should find solutions for it! It will not always go the you you want it to go. You don't have control over other people's actions but don't forget you have control over yours!:)

God Bless!

Officially 18!!!

I'm officially 18 years of age as of June 2, 2006. It was one of those memories I'll forever treasure... I wasn't expecting that they'll go through all that trouble... just to make that particular day special...no words can express the happiness I felt that particular day... and I'll be forever thankful to each one of you...

THANK YOU!!!

You have all been such a blessing! :)

Now I have to face yet another challenge.... I have to be a more responsible and mature person... sabi nga nila... I have to act my age! Kaya to! aja! :)

Hello...

Hello! Malapit na matapos ang May... hay... this only means na malapit na ang pasukan..(ayaw ko pa rin... hehe...), lapit na rin bday ko...(ayaw ko pa tumanda ulit... hehe...) Actually, okei lang naman, di ko naman mapipigil ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Okei na rin siguro magpasukan para naman madagdagan ang ating kaalaman sa mga bagay-bagay, para ma-reunite na rin with friends at madagdagan ang mga adventures. :) Ang pagtanda ko naman, well, let's just say that i'm still blessed to be alive. I'll just have to be thankful about a lot of blessings that came to me this year. :)

Ano latest sakin? La naman masyado... actually i just finished reading "The Da Vinci Code". Muntik pang hindi kasi hiram lang. Buti naman at natapos ko siya. Hmmm... ano naman ang masasabi ko about the book? Okei lang naman siya... maganda yung pagkakasulat at talagang imaginative si Dan Brown. With regards sa controversy about the church and all... fiction lang naman yun eh. So nothing to worry about! Yung iba naman niyang sinulat talaga namang di kapanipaniwala. Kung baga another mystery story na naman yun. So right now, si Edgar Allan Poe pa rin ang katapat ko... hehe... tagal na kaming nagsasama pero di pa rin kami nagbre-break ang tagal ko matapos yung book niya... old english kasi eh. Pero maganda naman at yung iba morbid at gruesome talaga. :)

Nagkita ult kami ng isa kong high school classmate na umalis at ngayon ay nagbabalik... hindi ko nga masyado nakausap kasi nagulat ata ko masyado. hehe. Nagsusulatan kami at nagwaym ng isa pa ring high school friend na ngayon ay naka-base sa New Zealand. Nakakatuwa pa rin naman siya tulad ng dati. Nagbabalak din kami magkita ng high school friends ko next week... sana matuloy. It's nice to reminisce old memories... :)

Good/Bad News!

Good News: I passed the screening for the out of town camp of KM... I was really happy to have been accepted because it means that more or less they are wlling to accept me as me... :)

Bad News: I can't go beacuse I have a pile of responsibilities, errands and events to attend to that overlapped with the schedule of the camping trip... Somehow this isn't the right time... Hay!

I'm actually quite surprised that my reaction to this certain happening was somewhat mellowed... maybe because I already knew even from the start that it wouldn't push through... Yes, I'm still sad and disppointed at the thought of not going but hey! what can I do about it but just smile and move on... Sabi nga ni Kim sa PBB: "Wala naman mangyayari kung iiyakan ko yung mga problema ko, kaya nakangiti na lang ako palagi". I still have to wait another year... but it's worth the wait... maybe this isn't really the right time... maybe its for the better as of now... I trust in God's plan for me... everything has a reason... Aja! :)

The Big Night

Last night... we had a small program... a presentation of all those who took up workshop classes namely basic acting, self defense, street dancing, drawing, voice lessons, advanced guitar and the best ever basic guitar! hehe... Syempre dun ako kasama eh. Masaya yung feeling na natapos namin siya na maayos... na halos lahat kami naging bonded na rin somehow... sobra ko silang mamimiss... this is one experience I'll never forget! Kahit papano it's an achievement kasi anisip ko na rin magdrop eh... pero masaya ako na di ako tumigil, na hindi ako nag-give up! aja! :)

Sayang nga lang di ko napanuod PBB... hehe... pero okei lang it was worth it... naevict nga pala si Fred and Joaqui... hay... pakonti na sila ng pakonti... ay oo nga pala ang galing ni Brenda umarte... napaniwala talaga niya ko na psychic siya! Hay! The best talaga PBB!! :)

Happy Mother's Day pala sa lahat ng mommys out there! I'm really so thankful sa mama ko. Masaya din ako kasi kahit papano okei na naman kami. Siguro minsan di maiiwasan ang mga away pero part na rin talaga siya. Wala namang perfect. Tanggap ko na yun. Sometimes we just have to compromise. Happy me! Love You Mommy! Mwah! :)

What to do?

Nothing seems to be going right for me these days... I can't find my place anywhere... Everything seems complicated... the simplest things can turn to be the most complex... the tiniest to be the biggest... hay! What can I do? Well, maybe I just have to relax my mind for a while and take action... I'm going insane by the minute and nobody's here to stop me... Can life get any crazier than this! Maybe... Okey forgive me for exaggerating a bit ... I'll now stop myself and leave you guys to whatever you were doing before you read this! Hay! Bye!

Realizing the hard way...

I've been praying and asking Him for guidance in opening my heart and mind... so that I would finally be able to realize the value of the people I love... Yes, I know the facts, I know that my mom is doing everything for us, that all the things she is doing is for our good, I know how hard she works day in and day out just to put food on our table... and to be able to give us our needs, I know how sad she gets when things aren't in their proper order, I know that she hates mess, I know that she loves us so much that she will do anything for us, I know and yet it hurts so much... because I can't explain why inspite of all this, I still feel pain, hurt, anger... towards her... when all she thinks about is "us". I keep repeating it to myself that I should understand her.. no questions asked... and yet I don't... and yet I can't. Now, finally my prayers are answered but then does it always have to be the hard way... I'm now faced with reality... finally I have stumbled upon the truth... and I'm finding it hard to stand back up. But I will... I have to...

Still I thank God for all this...I thank God for answering my prayer... I just hope it's not too late... I know that hurt and sadness has been caused... many tears have been shed, laughters turning into tears... But I know that we will come through... Aja! God Bless to all! :)

The PBB fanatic... back on track...

What have I been doin' nowadays? Hmmm... except eat and sleep... I'm watching all the PBB shows... from the 11am clips sa kabarkada channel, to the 6:30pm show of Asia Agcaoili to the Official Primetime Bida show after TV Patrol... and if possible the super early morning show of Bianca Gonzales... hehe... i'm really a PBB fanatic... it's all I watch on television nowadays... But I haven't come to the point of texting comments and voting my favorite housemate... don't worry I don't think that time will come.

Hmmm... so what's with the show? I guess I watch it because everything just seems so natural, I'm interested in watching people and in understanding other people's lives (maybe that's why I took up Psychology in the first place), it's just fun to watch because now and then you can relate to them eventhough you don't know them personally... through the show you feel as though you do-partly. And I'm a kapamilya at heart. Hehe... walang kokontra. And this edition is quite interesting... it's like seeing yourself on tv... sometimes asking yourself... is that how i am? Hay! Are teens really that "pasaway"? Hehe... I even heard my mom say that "I really have to watch this show, so that I could understand you and your sisters more!" Interesting... Hehe...

So I'll just continue with this phase of watching reality tv shows... Farewell! :)

Why?!?

Broken inside is what I am
Right now
Memories of living nightmares
Surround me

Flashing before me
One by one
Reliving the past
And crying

This feeling I have
Of emptiness
Slowly emanating
From within

My whole being
Shouting
My soul
Screaming

Why?!?

written: April 25, 2006

*Lagi ko na lang tinatanong yan... "Why?"... "Bakit" Hay... nakakapagod na kasi minsan eh... na intindihin ang mga tao sa paligid mo... pati sarili mo minsan 'di mo na rin maintindihan... bakit ganun noh? Xenxa at nagda-drama na naman ako... gusto ko lang ilabas... bear with me!

*Buhay pa naman ako... At okei pa ako... kaya ko pa ngang sabihin ang "aja!" eh... hehe... yun lang poh muna! zai jian!

Am I really a Frustrated Angel???

Well, I think I've been a goody two shoes my entire life... I really don't know why... there maybe a couple of reasons behind this... maybe because I like to please others... maybe because I feel a certain tingy feeling whenever I do a good deed... maybe because I'm really evil inside and just want to get attention.... maybe that's my mission in life... maybe I can't help but follow the hidden code of morality... whatever! I just do it... and i know for a fact that i'm not harming anybody... maybe i do it out of the goodness of my heart... who knows? Only God knows, even I don't really know.

Yesterday, I did something that I've wanted to do eversince... as i was about to cross the highay I was approached by one little kid beggar... asking for alms, at first i told him i don't really have any money although i was holding two 10 peso coins in my hand that i wpould be using to buy myself junk food- i'm a junk food addict by the way (which was more or less the truth and besides i really don't approve of giving money to beggars). I already crossed the street and was already inside the store when something came over me and i got out, looked for the child and asked him to come. He came to me and asked him if he would like for me to buy him something to eat, in particular a donut, he nodded yes! So I told him to come with me inside the store and choose what donut he liked to eat... he chose a donut with a strawberry filing on top...while i went to the counter to ask for assistance, i left him beside the donut stand, when i cae back, he was being shooed away by one of the saleslady (she was sort of shouting!)... i quickly told the girl that the kid was with me... then of course the girl just laughed. The moment I bought the donut, I gave it to the kid and he immediately went out. As i was on my way out people were already staring... I wasn't able to ask his name or anything else, much less talk to him. All i could remember was he was a little angel... he was an innocent-naive little angel wearing a red sando with holes in it and just having hope in his eyes... :)

I'm just happy to finally have the courage to do something without being ashamed on what other people might say... i hope to continue being that way in the a lot of aspects in my life... still here, still living...

Current Happenings

Hmmmm... so finally dami na rin nangyayari sa life ko this summer... i'm currently taking free guitar lessons sa church... hopefully matuto talaga ako... need to have determination... para matuto talaga ako. i'm back to reading books, watching movies/koreanovelas... By the way, ang ganda pala nung "Wedding"!!! Nakakatawa at the same time nakakaiyak din... touching siya! Kakatapos lang namin last last week ata. Basta the best... yung last two discs lang yung medyo okey lang pero all in all it was something worth watching. This whole week super busy ako, lagi ako wala sa bahay kasi kailangan kong magbantay sa office kasi kinailangan magpacheck-up ng mama ko(can't help but realize that the clock is ticking... need to learn to appreciate and show my love for the people i care for), punta rin ako ng school para makakuha ng copy ng grades(hindi ata ako masasawa mag-apply sa scholarship... aja!), guitar lessons every tuesdays and fridays, kanina nagpunta rin kami ng siobe ko sa hospital... may pag-asa pa kaya mawala ang pimples ko... a very big question mark??? haha... tomorrow naman family day! hope to have a happy bonding experience!!! minsan lang kasi yan eh. So that's it!

Happy happy!

Kahapon masaya me kasi naka-bonding ko ang aking cousin and bestfriend (naks! nabanggit siya...hehe...) One whole day with her...saya! Mula nung umaga kasama ko na siya papunta ng school...nakipagbonding pa me ng konti with her friends... o di ba friends niya friends ko na rin...bait naman sila nakaktuwa... tapos nung pauwi naman sabay din kami commute with her friend from high school... nakasalubong pa namin yung mga nag-ra-rally kontra cha-cha...katakot! Lagi talagang adventure ang nangyayari pag kasama ko toh mag-commute...exciting! Haha... Then after lunch tuloy sa pagbo-bonding... nuod kami movie buti na lang at hindi nakakatakot... kain ng miryenda...aba marunong na siya magprito (congrats!) Laro ng PS... biruin mo at pinag-dance revo ako! Hay wag niyo na lang i-imagine ang itsura ko baka di kayo matapos sa katatawa... pero aaminin ko... nag-enjoy naman me kahit papano...haha... minsan lang naman kaya go na! After umalis ng friend niyat tuloy pa rin at PC game naman ang inatupag... with matching kulitan! All in all masaya talaga! :) Thanks sa day na ito kahit napagod me... naka-smile naman ako sa pagtulog ko. Naks!

Uy para sa aking pinakamamahal na cousin... THANK YOU! Sobra ko na-aapreciate itong friendship natin! I know that I have someone na magpapatawa sakin pag sad ako...dadamayan ako sa happiness... ka konchaba ko sa kalokohan at kakulitan... someone na andyan kahit di ko na tawagin... kahit di ko man masabi sayo lahat... thanks kasi andyan ka pa rin... Love poh kita! I'll do the same for you! God Bless You!:)

Kulitan with Friends!!!

Grabe... super na-miss ko talaga friends ko ngayong nag-summer kaya naman nung nagkita kami kanina... super kulit ko. Sarap ng feeling to see them again... well and happy! hope na this summer makapag-unwind kami sa hirap na dinanas namin nung ist year... hehe... Anyways, saya-saya lang... one of the simple joys of life... being with your friends and laughing it out!

ang may nakaka-kilabot na nangyari samin kanina... basta may hinahanap kaming room tapos nakaka-dalawang ikot na kami sa floor na yun pero di talaga namin makita... finally nung third na try nakita na namin yung isa sa mga room at nung fourth pa naming ikot tsaka namin tuluyang nakita yung room na hinahanap namin. Weird pero inisa-isa talaga namin... ang aga pa nga naming dumating... yung isa pa naming friend na inaantay yung nauna! basta kung anu man yun... okei lang kasi okei lang naman kami... no harm done! :)

So guys... smile kayo parati! life is beautiful! :)