kumusta na puso ko?

Since valentines is fast approaching, I can't help but wonder and reflect on the state of my heart...

Right now, my heart is excited, nervous, confused, content and hoping.

What's the cause of all these?

I'm excited at the thought of extending my service for God, of stepping up a level higher, of loving more people, of growing more and being closer to Him. At the same time, I'm afraid and nervous... I don't know what to expect. What will the morrow bring? It's all uncertain and I know that all I need to do is to trust God. He won't let me down but I'm only human and I know that God understands why I may be feeling scared. It's enough that despite of this fear I may be feeling, I'll still go on and fight. Courage is not the absence of fear. It's facing the fear and saying I'm gonna do it anyway. Confused because it seems that what I've decided upon is the right thing, it's what God wants, it's what I want and yet the people I love and care for, the people I don't wanna hurt the most are the ones telling me to not go on. They are the ones who are against it. What do I choose? How do I decide? I'm confused. It's hard. I don't know what to do. I'm contented. As I was walking with my mom and grandma this morning, with grocery bags on my hands, I can't help but smile. I realized right then and there that I was blessed. I'm happy and I have this feeling of peace within me despite the chaos that surrounds me. Lastly, my heart is hoping. Hoping to be able to decide what God really wants for me. Hoping that I'll find the light to discern what to do. Hoping that I'll have someone to love in the future who will love me in return. Hoping to make the people around me happy. Hoping that I'll be able to finally forgive myself. Hoping that as I sleep later tonight I'll again feel God's embrace, hugging me tight.:)

alternative class...

I recently attended a seminar on "Overcoming Stress and Bringing Joy Back Into My Life." As part of the seminar, we were asked to list our" TOP TEN STRESS BUSTERS." Here's mine:

1. Pray. An effective way of calming yourself and getting to know God more. Two weeks ago I was in a really tight situation, I got so depressed that even my friends couldn't talk me through it. I decided to visit the chapel and to just have a moment of silence and meditation. It helped me a lot. I left the chapel feeling far more better and a lot happier. I realized a lot of things about myself and thought of ways to solve the problem I have.

2. Eat. Whether you admit it or not, we enjoy eating 99% of the time. It reduces any uncomfortable feeling, I think. Especially recommended are sweets... the popular chocolates and my beloved ICE CREAM.:) Yumyum!

3. Laugh. Even at a corny joke. It's a way of boosting your energy level and making you a bot morte cheerful. It's fun and is sai to make you look younger and feel younger too.:)

4. Plan ahead and stick to it. In my case, I get rattled when things suddenly seems to be out of my control. It's better for me to have a plan or an overview of things to come. It's readying yourself for what is to come. Sticking to ones plan is really hard but it is so much worth the trouble.

5. Sing and dance? Like nobody is watching just to get you in the mood. Make an effort to get you out of that slum you are in. Singing your favorite tune helps and dancing will make you laugh at yourself.

6. Read. Books... :) I haven't been having much time to read. Reading helps you think and let your imagination fly. It makes you realize a lot of things about yourself, about other people and about life. It's fun and inspiring at the same time.

7. Worship. With eyes closed. Before, I would feel conscious about other people watching me. But now, I no longer care. I sing my heart out for the Lord because He so deserves it.:) Everytime I worship, I close my eyes and feel God's embrace. Ang sarap ng feeling. Parang lahat nagfa-fade. It's only you and your God. After every worship, I feel like a new person. Ang sarap magmahal ni God.:) Worship for me is God's tight embrace. Worship for me is an expression of my love, my thoughs, my sorrows, my happiness, my faith for Him.:)

8. Music. Listening to any song, any type of music releases any emotion. Whether it be negative or positive. It's better if you can sing-along with it. Walang pakielamanan. Hehe.

9. Chat. Kwentuhan to the max with friends... lam niyo na kung sinu kayo. It hepls a lot. It's fun and unforgettable. You don't even care what time it is. Nakakamiss... And also with my sisters... nakakamiss rin. We're all busy but I tell you, moments like this are worth cherishing forever. The endless laughter and the uncontrollable tears. Hay!

10. Reflect and Take time alone. It hepls to do things you feel like doing ones in a while. To just stop and check if you're still doing okei.

This may not be applicable to all. For me, it works talaga! Hehe. So get out of that depressing mood, there are a lot of ways to fight those! You just have to look around and count the blessings you might have overlooked. Smile! God loves you so much! Mwah!:)

How am I doin'?

What's the state of my heart? In all aspects...

First of all, I've missed blogging and surfing the net. Hehe. It's been quite a while. What with so many things to do left and right? But it's alright because I can actually say right now that I'm quite happy and satisfied.:)

Family. Hmmm... We're okei!:) We still have that spice of having arguments now and then. Catfights. Hehe. But in the end, we still kiss and make up. I actually observed that we haven't been arguing as much unlike before. Maybe we all are growing more maturely.:) All I know is that I love them much much. I may not openly express it most of the time... but I really do love them!:) I LOVE YOU papa, mama, achie, ditse and siobe!... I'd like to take this moment to say a BIG THANK YOU for everything and a SINCERE SORRY for all the headaches I might've caused. I promise to be better in all respects... it may not happen overnight but surely I'll strive hard.:) Aja!:)

Academics. Fairly well. I haven't been able to give my vey best. It's like I don't have the drive, the motivation I need to use the fullest of my potentials. It's actually very frustrating. Almost all my subjects are okei except that of Chemistry! Even my test paper has gone to outer space... (hopefully our professor was able to find it.) This last remaining part of the second semester, may we all do well!:)

Friends. I'm having more of them...:) I'm happy cause I have someone to keep me company. I have them to love and care for. Although I can't seem to be able to confide in them. Some things may really be better if left unsaid. But I'm super thankful to all of them (you know who you are) especially for all the smiles they bring to my life.:)

Love LIfe. Don't worry I don't have any "special someone." But I have a lot of love surrounding me.:) Sometimes I am left thinking if I'm meant for married life. Haha. Ang aga pa alam ko. But then I can't help but think of the plan God has for my life. Well, I trust Him... I trust His will. Basta right now, I'm happy.:)

Service. I'm happy to finally be coming out of my shell for Him. I still hesitate most of the time but I'm glad cause I don't close myself anymore as I have before. I put my trust in Him and He has never let me down. I'm so blessed to have the privilege of knowing Him more and more each day. I marvel at His greatness and I grow in love with Him more and more each day.:) By the way, I just turned ONE today... One year as a YFC-UST member!:) Yey! I feel super happy and blessed. Looking back it has been a long journey and I don't plan on ending it any time soon. Happy happy.:)

Adios amigas!:) God Bless! Stay happy! Smile smile!:)

Welcome 2007!!!

A beautiful start to a beautiful year!:)

I have made plenty of "New Year's Resolutions." Why? It may seem childish but then I see this as a way of improving myself. It's like I know I have a secret mission and I can't mess up. It's like having a goal each day and feeling happy that you've accomplished it a little more each day. I won't bore you by enumerating each one. Hehe. I just feel happy setting goals for myself and knowing that it's not impossible to reach them with hardwork and a passionate heart.:)

God Bless! Aja!:)

Happy New Year!:)

Second Semester... here I come?

Ang bilis! Tapos na kaagad yung sembreak. Di ko man lang masyadong naramdaman. Sa Monday may pasok na naman. Hayz! Ayaw ko pa pumasok, parang di pa ata ako ready pero walang magawa, we have to be up for the challenge that awaits us! Aja!

The results of the 1st semester or rather my grades, were quite okei. There is a marked improvement compared to my previous grades, although I still feel that I could have done much better. Yabang ba? hehe. Pero totoo naman. Kasi alam mo naman sa sarili mo if you've given you're best. And I think that I haven't really given my all.

The enrolment. We finished early. But. I didn't like the PE that I will be having this semester. Social dance. Talk about torture. It is a known fact that I don't dance at all. I had no choice. It was the only PE left. Not only that but it's every Saturday. Ahhhhh! Well, can't do anything about it. I just hope that I can do well, maybe it won't be as bad as I imagine it to be. I'm still hoping that I could change my PE. Hay!

Last Saturday. We went to Intramuros-Fort Santiago for a field trip with the kids of Diosdado Macapagal Elementary School and the ARAL group. Although it was really hot, we had fun. It was nice seeing the kids enjoying themselves, and not worrying about what the answer is in a difficult math problem. It was nice seeing them as they really are-innocent kids, carefree and naive. :)

Well, now I'm making the most of what is left of my sembreak. Trying to relax before finally having to face what lies ahead. Aja!

Sembreak na! Alas!

The long awaited break is finally here- 3 weeks of who knows what! It seems that it is a pretty long relaxation period in preparation for another term of hardship in the hands of multiple professors! The mere thought of what is to come gives me the chills. But for now -the problem at hand is what results will the blood and sweat we have put through (okei i exaggerated just a little... hehe) to get pass this semester yield... we just have to sit still and wait. Hopefully all of us will pass the semester. :)

Now...? What have I been doing for the first few days of the sembreak? It's basically the same thing- watching (tv, koreanovelas-Love Story in Harvard, movies or whatever is it that seems interesting), washing the dishes (we will soon get married those plates and I-watch out for the invitations my friends), reading books (got to catch up with my reading), sleeping (the soft pillows...hmmm...) and of course! eating! hehe. I hope to add something much more productive on those list.

That's all for now guys! Enjoy your sembreak amigas! Godbless!:)

A moment to reflect...

It's funny how in a span of only 13 days, you feel as though your life has suddenly turned upside-down. All the things you once believed to be true is snatched away from you, taken and never ever returned. How would you feel upon waking up one day and seeing that you are in a completely new world, with new faces and a new you? What is past cannot be remembered and what is present too bizarre to grasp. Would you feel happy to start over again and bury your treasury of past regrets? Or would you cry in anguish because the dreams you've made true has now been erased from time immemorial?

Well, what I'm getting at is... Can you proudly say in your life today that you have actually accomplished something? That you have something you can be proud of? Or are you still slumping in your seat, too lazy to get up? Or are you driving yourself to insanity moving in circles...not knowing which direction to take next?

We aren't gettinng younger by the minute.

The moment we breath in life into this world is also the moment that our life slowly ends... bit by bit... second by second...

I don't think I have already done something to be proud of. It's like I'm using time to create more chaos than peace. It's a struggle. It will always be. But I'm not losing hope. These things I'm facing right now are there to make me stronger. Aja! Live. Laugh. Love. :)

Happenings... happenings...

Latest and recent upadates about my life:

- I lost my cellphone. Or rather got it snatched. Or maybe it fell out of my pocket. I am actually not sure. I know, stupid me. It was two weeks ago. (august 31-last day of the month). I was having a miserable day because of the following reasons: 1. I had my monthly period semi-unexpectedly. It was supposed to be long over. But no. It was insistent to be out of my system. I had a drop of tagos in perfectly white uniform. Plus I was experiencing the sumpong syndrome. That undeniable extreme irritable state. And yet I kept denying. 2. I left my semi-finished project at home which was due the next day. Actually I left the finished draft that I was only suppose to transfer. I was going to finish it in the library so that I could still be able to attend the prayer meeting and yet I left it. Hay! 3. My GTEC wasn't working. It was the pen I was going to use for the project. 4. I decided to skip the prayer meeting and go home early. I was looking forward to it since it happens only once a week for our cluster. 5. I am feeling totally miserable and out of myself. 6. I lost my phone because I was too depressed to notice anything.

- Last Tuesday, I fell out of the teachers desk in front of the whole class. Haha. What an embarassing moment. Me and my peers were gathered round the teacher's desk and I and another friend was sitting on the desk. When suddenly the door opened and our professor and the adjudicator for the class debate came in and my friends and I panicked. The other one sitting on the desk hopped off and took the whole table with her including me. I literally flew out of the air and fell with a thud in the floor. Result is a flat butt. Hehe. Nakakahiya! I looked like a child daw with matching doll shoes. Haha.

- Right now, I'm drowned by the pile of work that needs to be done. > I don't know where to start! I am not at all gifted with creativity. I get lost when asked for ideas. Kahit katiting wala pag kailangan mo. Hay! Need to have a topic for a speech para sa oral communications class. Preparing myself for the humiliation. And also a public speaker to be evaluated. Have to transfer the datas of our experiments in our logbook. Need to write a paper about the movie "Les Miserables" I know it's really not that much. But I just can't seem to start. Oh well, have to do it. Aja! Go go go!!! :)

First KATAYAN session...

The dreaded moment finally came last 22nd of August (Tuesday). I was actually preparing myself for what was to come. Knowing myself as being sensitive, I just put into mind that whatever will be said is for my own improvement (hopefully) and is not at all personal. And so the moment came. Well, it wasn't as bad or as horrorful as what I imagined it to be. It was actually fine.

I was the only one who brought something and so their attention was solely upon me. I guess that instead of me being the one tortured so to speak, it was actually them who can't wait for the session to be finally over. hahaha! I understand. My work really needs a lot of improvement. They were even kind enough not to tell the truth that what I had written was inches of becoming labeled as "trash". I see their minds throbbing... yelling "stop! enough!" hehe. It seems to me that I'm getting carried away by my insanity. Bear with me.

But honestly, I learned a lot and am very thankful for the advices. One thing I can say about them is that they are 101% "ASTIG!!!" No doubt about that. I'm actually looking forward to the next KATAYAN session... but before that I need to do a LOT of reading and editing. Aja!

Long time... No Post!!!

Grabe! Sobrang tagal ko na di nakakapagpost... 1 month!!! hehe... So? Ano na nga ba nangyayari sa buhay ko? It's really quite complicated, para kasing ang dami kong ginagawa and yet, I often ask myself, am I really happy with what I'm doing? Is this what I really want? Although, I'm assured that "Indeed! I love what I'm doing. I'm happy with it..." It can't be helped that when certain aspects of my life don't go as planned, I am left feeling this emptiness, this sense of not being able to sense... ("Does that make sense?" hehe...) As what was said earlier in mass, we should be prepared to have back-up plans... from plan A to plan Z... It won't always go the way we planned it to but then maybe it was God's plan that happened... and just the mere thought of that... makes me smile! Even if the the world turns its back on me, I'll still be having someone, far greater and loving... The One who receives me with open arms, no matter what... no matter when... :)

Whew!

It's a relief that they finally made up... :) It seems that I was the only one who was making such a big fuss about it... anyway I'm really glad that they were able to patch things up...! aja! Anyway, I'm hoping that no more fights among us friends would occur... it's pretty nerve-wracking... anyway it's through and it's now a closed book and it better be for the duration of our friendship... and by that I mean forever! :)

Caught in the middle

I am actually in the middle of something... A conflict between two of my friends. I don't know where to place myself and yet I chose to be in this position. I just want to help them in anyway I can to resolve the tension existing. I hope that all will turn out well. I don't want to see them uneasy with each other. Just have to be open minded about things. I should also allow them to solve it on their own and still be there to guide them in my own way. I'll be praying for this... Aja! I know that it is just a misunderstanding and it can still be solved. :)

Yey!

I have been accepted in the "..."!!! I don't want to post the name of the organization yet because I haven't proven anything yet. What I mean to say is that I still don't know if I am really worthy of being accepted. The journey haven't started. I don't know what will happen. I'm really nervous as to what awaits me and I am also excited at the same time. I hope it all turns out well. Aja!

Academic Year 2006-2007

The school year has already started. It has been over a month already. I am starting to explore a lot of things. I am trying to find my passion. I have signed up for 4 organizations... and 1 more that is still pending (pray for me guys I hope that I will be accepted although I'm not expecting much). Hay, life! I hope this school year would be a lot better in terms of academic performance. Have to stop being lazy. And I hope that I would be more active in my extra curricular activities and also during class discussions(have to speak your mind!). Well, it seems that I have a lot of improvements to make... aja!

Life would always have problems and I have to learn to live with it. That doesn't mean I should ignore it but rather I should find solutions for it! It will not always go the you you want it to go. You don't have control over other people's actions but don't forget you have control over yours!:)

God Bless!

Officially 18!!!

I'm officially 18 years of age as of June 2, 2006. It was one of those memories I'll forever treasure... I wasn't expecting that they'll go through all that trouble... just to make that particular day special...no words can express the happiness I felt that particular day... and I'll be forever thankful to each one of you...

THANK YOU!!!

You have all been such a blessing! :)

Now I have to face yet another challenge.... I have to be a more responsible and mature person... sabi nga nila... I have to act my age! Kaya to! aja! :)

Hello...

Hello! Malapit na matapos ang May... hay... this only means na malapit na ang pasukan..(ayaw ko pa rin... hehe...), lapit na rin bday ko...(ayaw ko pa tumanda ulit... hehe...) Actually, okei lang naman, di ko naman mapipigil ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Okei na rin siguro magpasukan para naman madagdagan ang ating kaalaman sa mga bagay-bagay, para ma-reunite na rin with friends at madagdagan ang mga adventures. :) Ang pagtanda ko naman, well, let's just say that i'm still blessed to be alive. I'll just have to be thankful about a lot of blessings that came to me this year. :)

Ano latest sakin? La naman masyado... actually i just finished reading "The Da Vinci Code". Muntik pang hindi kasi hiram lang. Buti naman at natapos ko siya. Hmmm... ano naman ang masasabi ko about the book? Okei lang naman siya... maganda yung pagkakasulat at talagang imaginative si Dan Brown. With regards sa controversy about the church and all... fiction lang naman yun eh. So nothing to worry about! Yung iba naman niyang sinulat talaga namang di kapanipaniwala. Kung baga another mystery story na naman yun. So right now, si Edgar Allan Poe pa rin ang katapat ko... hehe... tagal na kaming nagsasama pero di pa rin kami nagbre-break ang tagal ko matapos yung book niya... old english kasi eh. Pero maganda naman at yung iba morbid at gruesome talaga. :)

Nagkita ult kami ng isa kong high school classmate na umalis at ngayon ay nagbabalik... hindi ko nga masyado nakausap kasi nagulat ata ko masyado. hehe. Nagsusulatan kami at nagwaym ng isa pa ring high school friend na ngayon ay naka-base sa New Zealand. Nakakatuwa pa rin naman siya tulad ng dati. Nagbabalak din kami magkita ng high school friends ko next week... sana matuloy. It's nice to reminisce old memories... :)

Good/Bad News!

Good News: I passed the screening for the out of town camp of KM... I was really happy to have been accepted because it means that more or less they are wlling to accept me as me... :)

Bad News: I can't go beacuse I have a pile of responsibilities, errands and events to attend to that overlapped with the schedule of the camping trip... Somehow this isn't the right time... Hay!

I'm actually quite surprised that my reaction to this certain happening was somewhat mellowed... maybe because I already knew even from the start that it wouldn't push through... Yes, I'm still sad and disppointed at the thought of not going but hey! what can I do about it but just smile and move on... Sabi nga ni Kim sa PBB: "Wala naman mangyayari kung iiyakan ko yung mga problema ko, kaya nakangiti na lang ako palagi". I still have to wait another year... but it's worth the wait... maybe this isn't really the right time... maybe its for the better as of now... I trust in God's plan for me... everything has a reason... Aja! :)

The Big Night

Last night... we had a small program... a presentation of all those who took up workshop classes namely basic acting, self defense, street dancing, drawing, voice lessons, advanced guitar and the best ever basic guitar! hehe... Syempre dun ako kasama eh. Masaya yung feeling na natapos namin siya na maayos... na halos lahat kami naging bonded na rin somehow... sobra ko silang mamimiss... this is one experience I'll never forget! Kahit papano it's an achievement kasi anisip ko na rin magdrop eh... pero masaya ako na di ako tumigil, na hindi ako nag-give up! aja! :)

Sayang nga lang di ko napanuod PBB... hehe... pero okei lang it was worth it... naevict nga pala si Fred and Joaqui... hay... pakonti na sila ng pakonti... ay oo nga pala ang galing ni Brenda umarte... napaniwala talaga niya ko na psychic siya! Hay! The best talaga PBB!! :)

Happy Mother's Day pala sa lahat ng mommys out there! I'm really so thankful sa mama ko. Masaya din ako kasi kahit papano okei na naman kami. Siguro minsan di maiiwasan ang mga away pero part na rin talaga siya. Wala namang perfect. Tanggap ko na yun. Sometimes we just have to compromise. Happy me! Love You Mommy! Mwah! :)

What to do?

Nothing seems to be going right for me these days... I can't find my place anywhere... Everything seems complicated... the simplest things can turn to be the most complex... the tiniest to be the biggest... hay! What can I do? Well, maybe I just have to relax my mind for a while and take action... I'm going insane by the minute and nobody's here to stop me... Can life get any crazier than this! Maybe... Okey forgive me for exaggerating a bit ... I'll now stop myself and leave you guys to whatever you were doing before you read this! Hay! Bye!

Realizing the hard way...

I've been praying and asking Him for guidance in opening my heart and mind... so that I would finally be able to realize the value of the people I love... Yes, I know the facts, I know that my mom is doing everything for us, that all the things she is doing is for our good, I know how hard she works day in and day out just to put food on our table... and to be able to give us our needs, I know how sad she gets when things aren't in their proper order, I know that she hates mess, I know that she loves us so much that she will do anything for us, I know and yet it hurts so much... because I can't explain why inspite of all this, I still feel pain, hurt, anger... towards her... when all she thinks about is "us". I keep repeating it to myself that I should understand her.. no questions asked... and yet I don't... and yet I can't. Now, finally my prayers are answered but then does it always have to be the hard way... I'm now faced with reality... finally I have stumbled upon the truth... and I'm finding it hard to stand back up. But I will... I have to...

Still I thank God for all this...I thank God for answering my prayer... I just hope it's not too late... I know that hurt and sadness has been caused... many tears have been shed, laughters turning into tears... But I know that we will come through... Aja! God Bless to all! :)