I'm gonna learn how to fly

Wanting something badly is not enough. One has to work for it, and work for it hard.

I've always been a pretty complacent person. I work hard but not for anything specifically. Mainly because most of the time I don't know what I want and when I do, I get too scared of failure that I don't try hard enough.

Right now, I know several things I want. However, these things are not those I can reach with an outstretched hand right away. It will take more from me. I will need the commitment and determination to finally make that decision to pursue dreams I long to come true one day. Mind you, they're nothing big but they are dreams just the same. I just came to realize that nothing I want will happen if I get contented in being a mere spectator of my own life.

I need to start saying yes to what life has to offer. I need to start saying yes to God's will.

I'm gonna learn how to fly and fly I will you'll see.

*Inspired by the earlier Lenten meditation we had (Stations of the Cross) and the backcover summary of Victoria Beckham's autobiography where she cited the lyrics to the song "Fame" (I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly) as her inspiration.

Patch me up.

I find myself taking bits and pieces of other people to patch the "me" that I can't seem to complete.

So how does that leave me? Am I the me that I know I am? Or am I just another one of the great imitations?

And in my dreams, I see you.

You only know your dream has been fulfilled when it has come to pass.

I dreamt of him last week. Just like the old times, he was using his undeniable charm to sway us to his will. In this case, he was coaxing my mom to eat out since he knows a good place where good food is served at very cheap prices. You could see the sparkle in his eyes and that ever eager manner (just like a little boy who can't contain his excitement). My mom already convinced from the start was fighting hard to not give in right away. Eventually, she breaks into both a yes and a big smile at the same moment.

I need to hold on to memories like this.

Then, he invites my little sister instead of me to join them. (This came to be the ending I believe because of the preceding fight/argument I had with my siobe which made the feeling more painful than it already is.)

After I woke up, it took me about an hour after to realize that he came to be part of the dream I just had.

I guess it proves the same with real life dreams, you only get to realize it when your halfway through. What's worse is when you get to realize it when you're barely holding on to the dream you've already been living yet was too blind to appreciate.

The Black Sheep

In a family, there is a black sheep. The black sheep's existence is inevitable. The black sheep exists. The black sheep must exist. As if the universe dictates it to be so. In some parallel universe, the nature of things permits this fatal flow, this undeniable dent: the flow flawed, the flawed flow. And thus, it is so. So it is. It must be so. It is so. Sadly, it is.

emotional sadness is what it is.

I'm emotionally sad nowadays. I feel like there's this empty hole within me.

Call me emo or whatever but I'm just really sad. About what you ask?

A number of things and none.

I guess we get to this point once in a while when we keep asking ourselves what we really want out of life? what we really need? what matters? what doesn't?

And no matter how much we justify the state of our life, we just can't seem to resolve the fact that we're damn fine and the misery we are having is our own doing.

But I know I'll get over this. Maybe tomorrow after I get a goodnight's rest.

Or maybe not right away, because I want the pain to linger... to remind me that I'm still alive.

So...

Meet-up with friends usually requires spelling the current state about the so called "life" that each of you pretends to have.

With that said, this is how my life is kinda spelled right now.

1. F: for FAMILY.
-Relationship with Mom is the same as always. Bittersweet. But sweetness always prevails at the end of the day. :)
-Relationships with Sibs. Gets wackier and stronger as each day passes. :D I'm glad to say that we have somehow passed the "each-moment-is-doomed-to-become-a-fight" stage. We've come to grow up and take things as it is, move on and embrace each other after a hard day's work. On the sidelines, however, we always know how to keep our heads laughing on the good stuff, shallow as it may seem but we get each other, that's why we are sisters. :D
-Missing dad, missing him much. It seems to get harder to grasp after it happened. I miss him more each day and it gets deeper. Just writing this is already making the hole in my heart bigger. I miss him.

2. C: for Career.
-Keeping my first job as a Grade School Counselor.
-But wanting to explore pos-si-bi-li-ties. So the way to that is getting out of... I won't finish that thought for now because I'm not yet ready.
-Masterals. I want to study. I need to study. But when?
-The question remains: Is this it? Do you want this to be it? Ponder on that.

3. F2: for Friends.
-I'm becoming a hermit again. I'm not entirely avoiding meeting with people. I just don't feel the drive to these days.
-But I'm thankful that they are sticking it out. And my friends seek me out, make kulit and remind me that I miss them pala. :)

4. F3: Faith.
-Graduated from SFC: Batch Polaris 2010.
-It's T.G.I.F. from now on, because Fridays are for Households. :)
-So far, haven't missed a single one. I'm so grateful to have kindred hearts to pray with and to pray for.

5. L: for Love.
-Talk about ones love life is an inevitable topic. So much the more since it's February and it is the Love Month.
-And still I have no love life to speak of, in the bf/gf realm.
-But I'm not that bothered. Me and my cousin/bestfriend was talking about it and we both agreed that it is not a priority. Sure, we would be glad to have one but it won't kill us not to have one right now.
-When the time comes, he will come, if He wills it. :)

6. L: for Leisure.
-Still very much into books. :) Book purchases continue to pile up. But the Books Read are having a hard time catching up, as always. :P
-Still watching some series: Gilmore Girls Re-runs(now on Season 2), Gossip Girl Season 4, Big Bang Theory Season 4, How I Met Your Mother Season 6.
-Have a lot of pending movies. :P
-Can't seem to make my online accounts active. And it seems I don't really care that much anyways.
-Can't seem to start the book blog thing since I don't know how to put my thoughts to writing. I'm unsure on how to begin but hopefully I'll push myself to do it before the year ends, haha. :)

So... there.

I'll be happy, soon enough.

You never could say till you find yourself in said situation.

The world continues to move on without you.

It hurts to think that every second, every minute, every hour that passes no longer consist of you.; that loss is inevitable.

I find myself silently crying, tear stricken when thoughts of you suddenly come to mind. When i know that memories are all I'll ever have of you.

Many questions swim thru my head... questions like, did I love you enough? were you happy? did you feel pain? is this what you wanted? was it really time? would it have hurt less if it didn't happen this way? are you happy now? are you at peace? are you with Him?

Questions that will remain unanswered for the rest of my meager existence and until the day we will be reunited.

The world seems to be in black and white right now. But it cannot remain that way.

I lost a father.

But I still have a mother to care for and to love.

To stay strong for.

I know that you are in a safe place now. I'd like to believe you are happy, watching over us and willing us to fight this battle called life.

We'll make you proud. Lift our heads high like you taught us.

Hug me one last time.

what is wrong with me?

the answer to which is everything.

I hate it, I'm wallowing about the wrong things and I want to feel comforted yet I detach myself.

Gawd, I'm hopeless.

Kill me now. =(

Till ...

I look at you
and heave a sigh
Because my love
you are so dear

In your heart
is where I am
In your mind
is where I be

Always, always
Forever, forever
No other woman
No other being

Only you
can give so much
can hurt so much
can love so much

I love you so

till ...


-frustratedangel, 6:12pm, Mother's Day 2010

i do crazy things sometimes, like NOW. yeah, now is crazy, no other explanation but that. sighs.

So, yeah.

What I feel right at this moment?


S-U-F-F-O-C-A-T-E-D ----> I cannot breathe.

Words fail me.
Emotions leave me unsure.
Actions confuse me.

State of Limbo

How long can one get stuck in a state of limbo?

I find myself unable to answer questions thrown at me by people who seem to know me more than I do myself. I'm tired of racking my brains just to save myself of the humiliation of having to prove myself to myself.

Life is a short and long journey, depending on how you live it. Life is a process, it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. You cannot skip one part just to move on to the next. You have to go along all the steps to fulfill your ultimate destiny.

One discovers things day by day. Uncovering new and wonderful rarities, unleashing hidden potentials.

I am as yet undiscovered. I'd like to think that way. For tomorrow brings forth another page of my story yet untold.

How long then do I have to get stuck in this state of limbo?

Well then I guess, it's forever and a day. =)

heave and sigh

loooong weekends aren't as long as i want them to be.
moments come and go.
minutes pass me by.
days become nights.
all becomes cold.
just when you are getting the grasp of things, they seem to disappear into thin air.
what is wrong with me? i ask.
what is wrong with you? i wonder.

when all is well and good. doubt comes in.
when nothing seems right. you heave a sigh.

crap.

may you let the star in you shine

Something I'd like to share with my students. A honest and heartfelt speech from President Barrack Obama on the first day of school in Arlington, Virginia last September 8, 2009.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/

If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

simple joys

In the daily blur of events that is my life, I appreciate the little things and for these I am kept sane. =)

-Commuting every morning with my huggable sis!
-Hearing senti songs/ songs of my adolescence while riding the jeepney.
-Being able to finish a book.
-Bookhunting! Booksales!
-Icecream.=)
-Fanticism mode of lil sis. She is contagious.
-When I get to make progress.
-Bonding mode with co-workers.
-Cher! Cher! greetings from the students.
-Sundays with my family!
-When the weather is good!
-Getting enough sleep.
-Learning new things.
-Updates from friends.
-Spiritual readings.

loophole

monday.
tuesday.
wednesday.
thursday.
friday.
saturday.
sunday.
monday.
loop.

i'm dragging the days behind me.
sluggishly going through life in a dazed state.
sometimes an unknown force would smack me in the head,
and for a time i'd snap back to reality.
only to go back to my muddled cosmos,
indefinitely convinced it's all a dream.

1. When I tell you... or tell myself: I'll take a 5 minute nap. Don't believe me, that means I'm good as gone for the night. Seriously. It' a newfound talent, aside from the one where I can sleep through a movie in the moviehouse. 

2. I had an encounter with the other side. (Clearly heard the screeching of one of the heavy wooden chairs on cemented floor at the office before leaving last night. Confirmed by my officemate so it cannot be blamed on drunken tiredness. It is creepy, I tell you.)

3. What makes me happy? It's the ultimate question I have a hard time answering right now.

4. My indecisiveness is driving me nuts. It's as evident now as ever. And it sucks bigtime.

5. I'm turning into a certified anti-social. I'm sorry my dear friends... I can't get myself in the mood to keep in touch. What the...? You tell me, what is wrong with me? Argh!

6. I'd like to stay in my personal bubble for a week. This freak me out.

7. Some parents are just so hard to converse with. They use all their inherent power to intimidate you. And I cringe and hold my breath before dialing the number. Although, some are plain nice. There are still exceptions to keep me sane, thank goodness.

8. Kids. Children. Love. =)

9. I've decided to bum around for the day. Sue me but I'm sticking to the plan. Haha. =p

10. I have certain fixations and phases which I would not go about explaining because you probably wouldn't understand anyway. Last one is in plastic covering all my books, it lessens my stress level. Weird, I know.

   

Let it Out in Ten

1. I don't want to admit that I'm kinda having a hard time right now. 

2. It sucks that I can't talk to you without you getting mad. -What's the matter with you? Your PMS phase should have a break.

3. I should definitely be sleeping right now than doing this.

4. Or I should be doing tons of other stuff that I really should be doing instead of this. Crap.

5. Children are so soooo cute. =)

6. Winnie the pooh is not for boys.

-One mother asked her daughter what gift wrapper design she'd like. The daughter adorably answered: Winnie the pooh! =) Mother replied: Ano ka ba? Panlalaki yun eh! (What are you? That's for boys!) 

-What the heck? Since when did winnie the pooh become stereotyped as a boy's cartoon character?

7. I want ice cream. and the twisted series. and... tons of other stuff... (redundancy is a sickness)

8. Bad me. Really bad me.

9. I'm confused. Uber confused.

10. Sigh!

i apologize. it's just that...

i'm too afraid to let you go.

i felt betrayed you didn't let me know.

i'm ashamed to have trusted you.

i wonder what other lies you have with you.

right now, i can't bear to look you in the eye,

and see that you are not the same person i thought you were.

it's too sad that i put such esteem and faith in you.

yet, all along you played me with your innocent smile.

i can't believe you anymore.