Sunday, February 11, 2007

kumusta na puso ko?

Since valentines is fast approaching, I can't help but wonder and reflect on the state of my heart...

Right now, my heart is excited, nervous, confused, content and hoping.

What's the cause of all these?

I'm excited at the thought of extending my service for God, of stepping up a level higher, of loving more people, of growing more and being closer to Him. At the same time, I'm afraid and nervous... I don't know what to expect. What will the morrow bring? It's all uncertain and I know that all I need to do is to trust God. He won't let me down but I'm only human and I know that God understands why I may be feeling scared. It's enough that despite of this fear I may be feeling, I'll still go on and fight. Courage is not the absence of fear. It's facing the fear and saying I'm gonna do it anyway. Confused because it seems that what I've decided upon is the right thing, it's what God wants, it's what I want and yet the people I love and care for, the people I don't wanna hurt the most are the ones telling me to not go on. They are the ones who are against it. What do I choose? How do I decide? I'm confused. It's hard. I don't know what to do. I'm contented. As I was walking with my mom and grandma this morning, with grocery bags on my hands, I can't help but smile. I realized right then and there that I was blessed. I'm happy and I have this feeling of peace within me despite the chaos that surrounds me. Lastly, my heart is hoping. Hoping to be able to decide what God really wants for me. Hoping that I'll find the light to discern what to do. Hoping that I'll have someone to love in the future who will love me in return. Hoping to make the people around me happy. Hoping that I'll be able to finally forgive myself. Hoping that as I sleep later tonight I'll again feel God's embrace, hugging me tight.:)

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