Air Poppers for 2011

Attended a YoungPro chapter launching at my college bud's church. Really glad to have graced the event as it made me re-think my priorities in life, timely as the year is about to end and a new one about to start.

The program included a segment wherein some people had to use mini air poppers and share their praises and thanksgiving for 2011.

So for 2011, here are my TOP AIR POPPERS, praise the Lord. :)

1. Intact and happy family. What more can I ask for? The protection and security has been constant. The countless moments of laughter and yes, tears are truly incomparable. I am truly blessed to have Mama (ever loving), Achie (despite the miles apart) , Ditse (super duper understanding), Siobe (bittersweet) and Papa in heaven. :)

2. Stable job. Third school year already, how time flies. I love that my job involves kids. I love how me and my co-counselors jive in all things. I learned a lot the past year, some the hard way but all in all a fruitful 2011.

3. New and Old friends. Met and got close to a lot of new people this year. Sending out my heartfelt thanks for the endless bonding sessions. Napuno ang 2011 ko na Hahahaha. :D This has also been a year of one on one reunions. Friends that I haven't seen for a year tops suddenly set unexpected dates. There's nothing like rekindling the old fire of friendship. :)

4. Ashley. Mababaw, but finally got to make a semi big purchase with this Itouch. I seldom splurge on big purchases, that's why it's a big thing to have Ashley. A lot of memories stored in a such a little gadget. More this 2012? :)

5. Faith. I've had a lot of questions about my faith, there seems to be no end. But God has been patient with me, as always. He never failed to tap me on the shoulder and remind me of the way. Yes, I'm still confused most of the time but I'm assured that when I ask, God answers. :)

Black Hole

The mere 'you' pulls me in,

pulls me in,

pulls me in,

in,

in,

in...

this black hole.

with no means of escape,

in this black hole.

One Year.

Tomorrow is already my Dad's first year death anniversary.

Come to think of it, it's been a year already and yet the pain never seem to go away.

If moving on means being able to smile and laugh, being able to go through the daily grind, being able to face whatever challenges the day brings; then yes, I can say that I've moved on, we've moved on.

But just like in any relationship, there continues to be residues from the past. No matter the sweetness or the bitterness of it all, memories remain. I've got mixed emotions when the past flashes back. It's like you want to hold on to the memories despite the pain yet you know you have to slowly let go of the memories to let the pain be eased. I hope that in time, I can learn to hold on to memories of him without that much pain.

There are days when the reality of the situation fail to hit me. It's like he's just on a long vacation or a long business trip; I can't see him yet I know he's there.

I can't see him yet I know he's there.

Indeed he's on a long vacation, up there in paradise.

I don't want him to see us sad. I don't want to worry him any longer. I'll end this post with a :), hoping that this :) carries on to our hearts.

We're okay cause you're okay now, right? :)

I see you...

... in the pleasant aroma of Chinese food.

... in the freshness of a cold Calamansi juice.

... in the loud burp after a good meal.

... in the hearty laughter of a young chum or an old man.

... in the sparkle of a sincere smile.

... in the soft mattress after a long day.

... in the thickness of a good book.

... in the coziness of an old shirt.

... in words left unspoken.

... in affection concealed.

... in disguised concern.

... in unfulfilled dreams.

... in moments unexpected.

.... in millions of chances unrelated.

I see you...

though I try not to.

The Ultimate Goal

I think I'm finding my drive.

Nothing's impossible when you put your mind and I would say your "heart" to it.

No matter where I am, I just have to make sure that I have the ultimate goal on top of my list: That Which Is For The Good.

The concern now is how do I spread this throughout all aspects of my life?

Hence, this.

We never get along.

I know I hate absolutes but then NEVER seems to fit this particular case.

One moment we're a ok and the next thing I know is that a volcanic eruption has been triggered by who knows what.

I'm getting tired of our old game.

I walk out even though I know that it won't solve anything and might even make the wounds deeper.

But then I also know that if I stay... then there's bound to be a new set of fresh wounds waiting to be opened.

We should probably take a step back away from each other.

Just for today, I'll heave a heavy sigh for both of us.

I know you're just as tired of this as I am.

But then again maybe I don't know anything in the first place.

Hence, this.

Exodus

Exodus Poem

Kuuki no oto

Mizu no oto

Suna no oto

Watashi no ue o nagare te iku ryuushi no oto

watashi no naka ni nagare te iru chi no oto

Chiisana mono ga dondon tsunagatte ku

Ookiku naru ookina mono ga sarasara kuzure ku

Chiisaku naru. Kieru. Arawareru. Kieru.

Dare mo i nai kokoro no naka ni wa dare mo i nai

Shizu ka de Hiroi

Ippon no ookina ki ga tatteru

Shizuka de hiroi sora to zou gen no ma ni tatteru

Jibun wo yoku miseyo u to suru no wa doushite mainichi ganbatte

Minna ni suka reyo u to suru no wa doushite tsukare ta toki

Hitori ni nari taku naru no wa doushite dareka ni amae tai

Nani ka yawarakai mono ni fure tai

Himitsu wo dare ka ni buchi ake tai

Hontou no jibun wo mi te morai tai

Soretomo mirareta kanai

Mise tai no ni mi rareru no ga kowai

Dakara koishii hontou no jibun wa

Jibun dake ga wakatte ike ba ii.

Saikin sou omou.

English Translation

The sound of air

The sound of water

The sound of sand

The sound of particles flowing above me

The sound of blood running through me

Little things gradually begin to connect

Large things, growing even larger, begin to crumble

Becomes smaller. Disappears. Appears. Disappears.

No one is present; No one is present inside my heart

Quiet and vast

There stands a giant tree

Quiet and vast, between the sky and grassy plain it stands

Why is it that we try and show ourselves in a positive light?

Why is it that we try so hard everyday to have others like us?

Why is that, when people finally like us, we want to be alone?

I want to be spoiled by someone

I want to be drawn to something soft

I want to reveal a secret to someone

I want people to see my true self

Or do I want them to see?

I want people to see, but I am afraid of being seen

Which is why I am sad.

That is what I think.

*Utada United Concert 2006: Before starting her Exodus songs, and during changing outfits, there is a poem that was played. The poem was in Japanese, written by Utada Hikaru, and recited by Utada. Note: The Romaji and Translation may not be exact. (From Wikipedia)

The "Fear" Factor

The only thing to fear is fear itself.

At this point in my life, several things hold me back or rather that is what I tell myself. It's easy to blame or to use other things/people as an excuse for your inaction. It is a very common defense mechanism; one which I have long overused.

Plans are useless if not put to action. Plans are but hopeless dreams if not put to life. Plans are just that, 'plans' - 'drawings/sketches', a representation of something you wish to achieve if you let fear rule you over.

Fear has lorded over me for the longest time. Just because I let it. Just because I never tried to take that first step. Always having the fear of the inevitable at the back of my mind.

Looking back, those fears, they didn't happen. Why? Because I never took the chance to know. It might have worked out for the better, it also might have turned for the worse. I'll never know.

'Fears' and 'Plans,' they are both possibilities. Yes, there is mighty chance that it can happen both ways. Why not choose the better of the two? Why not choose what your heart's desire is? Why not choose something that will make you happy? Why not choose something that you know will be good for you in the end?

So, now, tell me, what's stopping you?

Family Matters

Sunday emits in me a feeling of gratefulness.

Not to sound too cheesy or emotional, but I truly feel blessed for having such a wonderful family. No family is perfect but despite the flaws, at the end of the day, you know in your heart that your family is the best one who can understand you. 

They accept you wholeheartedly for whoever you are: past, present and future.
They are there to provide a crying shoulder and a helping hand.
They are there to laugh with you about the silliest things and to brood with you over life-changing decisions. 

Though a family may have a different structure for each person...

Biological family: Mom, Dad, Siblings; Extended: Lola, Lolo, Tita, Tito; Stepfamily; Stepmom, Stepdad, Stepsiblings; Adopted: Foster parents and siblings; Acquired: Barkada, Church community, Club, Organization

But all of them is family just the same in that a Family is Sanctuary where acceptance is inevitable and safety is certain. 


Be grateful for the family/families you have. Show them love the best way you can.

Have a blessed Sunday with your Family. :)

Yet another beginning

SUMMER'S OVER!
(I just needed to spell that out in print, as it feels more real that way.)

And I wasn't even to experience it. Wasn't able to go on vacation or have a decent break. (Rant. Rant. Rant.)

Okay, I'm over that fact now. Can't do anything about it anyway.

The end of the season, however, means the beginning of another one.

School year's here! That means when the first day of classes kick in next week, the whirlwind is unstoppable.

It's mixed emotions. I'm really excited to see the kids again but I'm not sure I'm ready just yet with the bulk of responsibilities. This year I know a lot of changes are bound to take place. I'm just praying that circumstances will help me grow, both personally and professionally. :)

So here's to yet another beginning.

School years have that feel for me, it's like new year all over again.

:D

Late-night Mornings.

Not intending to sleep but dozing off anyways.

Then not intending to wake up early but does so anyways.

Muddled thoughts in between. Gah.

I'll be "bangag" as ever tomorrow. I mean today. Defintely.

I'm gonna learn how to fly

Wanting something badly is not enough. One has to work for it, and work for it hard.

I've always been a pretty complacent person. I work hard but not for anything specifically. Mainly because most of the time I don't know what I want and when I do, I get too scared of failure that I don't try hard enough.

Right now, I know several things I want. However, these things are not those I can reach with an outstretched hand right away. It will take more from me. I will need the commitment and determination to finally make that decision to pursue dreams I long to come true one day. Mind you, they're nothing big but they are dreams just the same. I just came to realize that nothing I want will happen if I get contented in being a mere spectator of my own life.

I need to start saying yes to what life has to offer. I need to start saying yes to God's will.

I'm gonna learn how to fly and fly I will you'll see.

*Inspired by the earlier Lenten meditation we had (Stations of the Cross) and the backcover summary of Victoria Beckham's autobiography where she cited the lyrics to the song "Fame" (I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly) as her inspiration.

Patch me up.

I find myself taking bits and pieces of other people to patch the "me" that I can't seem to complete.

So how does that leave me? Am I the me that I know I am? Or am I just another one of the great imitations?

And in my dreams, I see you.

You only know your dream has been fulfilled when it has come to pass.

I dreamt of him last week. Just like the old times, he was using his undeniable charm to sway us to his will. In this case, he was coaxing my mom to eat out since he knows a good place where good food is served at very cheap prices. You could see the sparkle in his eyes and that ever eager manner (just like a little boy who can't contain his excitement). My mom already convinced from the start was fighting hard to not give in right away. Eventually, she breaks into both a yes and a big smile at the same moment.

I need to hold on to memories like this.

Then, he invites my little sister instead of me to join them. (This came to be the ending I believe because of the preceding fight/argument I had with my siobe which made the feeling more painful than it already is.)

After I woke up, it took me about an hour after to realize that he came to be part of the dream I just had.

I guess it proves the same with real life dreams, you only get to realize it when your halfway through. What's worse is when you get to realize it when you're barely holding on to the dream you've already been living yet was too blind to appreciate.

The Black Sheep

In a family, there is a black sheep. The black sheep's existence is inevitable. The black sheep exists. The black sheep must exist. As if the universe dictates it to be so. In some parallel universe, the nature of things permits this fatal flow, this undeniable dent: the flow flawed, the flawed flow. And thus, it is so. So it is. It must be so. It is so. Sadly, it is.

emotional sadness is what it is.

I'm emotionally sad nowadays. I feel like there's this empty hole within me.

Call me emo or whatever but I'm just really sad. About what you ask?

A number of things and none.

I guess we get to this point once in a while when we keep asking ourselves what we really want out of life? what we really need? what matters? what doesn't?

And no matter how much we justify the state of our life, we just can't seem to resolve the fact that we're damn fine and the misery we are having is our own doing.

But I know I'll get over this. Maybe tomorrow after I get a goodnight's rest.

Or maybe not right away, because I want the pain to linger... to remind me that I'm still alive.

So...

Meet-up with friends usually requires spelling the current state about the so called "life" that each of you pretends to have.

With that said, this is how my life is kinda spelled right now.

1. F: for FAMILY.
-Relationship with Mom is the same as always. Bittersweet. But sweetness always prevails at the end of the day. :)
-Relationships with Sibs. Gets wackier and stronger as each day passes. :D I'm glad to say that we have somehow passed the "each-moment-is-doomed-to-become-a-fight" stage. We've come to grow up and take things as it is, move on and embrace each other after a hard day's work. On the sidelines, however, we always know how to keep our heads laughing on the good stuff, shallow as it may seem but we get each other, that's why we are sisters. :D
-Missing dad, missing him much. It seems to get harder to grasp after it happened. I miss him more each day and it gets deeper. Just writing this is already making the hole in my heart bigger. I miss him.

2. C: for Career.
-Keeping my first job as a Grade School Counselor.
-But wanting to explore pos-si-bi-li-ties. So the way to that is getting out of... I won't finish that thought for now because I'm not yet ready.
-Masterals. I want to study. I need to study. But when?
-The question remains: Is this it? Do you want this to be it? Ponder on that.

3. F2: for Friends.
-I'm becoming a hermit again. I'm not entirely avoiding meeting with people. I just don't feel the drive to these days.
-But I'm thankful that they are sticking it out. And my friends seek me out, make kulit and remind me that I miss them pala. :)

4. F3: Faith.
-Graduated from SFC: Batch Polaris 2010.
-It's T.G.I.F. from now on, because Fridays are for Households. :)
-So far, haven't missed a single one. I'm so grateful to have kindred hearts to pray with and to pray for.

5. L: for Love.
-Talk about ones love life is an inevitable topic. So much the more since it's February and it is the Love Month.
-And still I have no love life to speak of, in the bf/gf realm.
-But I'm not that bothered. Me and my cousin/bestfriend was talking about it and we both agreed that it is not a priority. Sure, we would be glad to have one but it won't kill us not to have one right now.
-When the time comes, he will come, if He wills it. :)

6. L: for Leisure.
-Still very much into books. :) Book purchases continue to pile up. But the Books Read are having a hard time catching up, as always. :P
-Still watching some series: Gilmore Girls Re-runs(now on Season 2), Gossip Girl Season 4, Big Bang Theory Season 4, How I Met Your Mother Season 6.
-Have a lot of pending movies. :P
-Can't seem to make my online accounts active. And it seems I don't really care that much anyways.
-Can't seem to start the book blog thing since I don't know how to put my thoughts to writing. I'm unsure on how to begin but hopefully I'll push myself to do it before the year ends, haha. :)

So... there.

I'll be happy, soon enough.