I'll be happy, soon enough.

You never could say till you find yourself in said situation.

The world continues to move on without you.

It hurts to think that every second, every minute, every hour that passes no longer consist of you.; that loss is inevitable.

I find myself silently crying, tear stricken when thoughts of you suddenly come to mind. When i know that memories are all I'll ever have of you.

Many questions swim thru my head... questions like, did I love you enough? were you happy? did you feel pain? is this what you wanted? was it really time? would it have hurt less if it didn't happen this way? are you happy now? are you at peace? are you with Him?

Questions that will remain unanswered for the rest of my meager existence and until the day we will be reunited.

The world seems to be in black and white right now. But it cannot remain that way.

I lost a father.

But I still have a mother to care for and to love.

To stay strong for.

I know that you are in a safe place now. I'd like to believe you are happy, watching over us and willing us to fight this battle called life.

We'll make you proud. Lift our heads high like you taught us.

Hug me one last time.

what is wrong with me?

the answer to which is everything.

I hate it, I'm wallowing about the wrong things and I want to feel comforted yet I detach myself.

Gawd, I'm hopeless.

Kill me now. =(

Till ...

I look at you
and heave a sigh
Because my love
you are so dear

In your heart
is where I am
In your mind
is where I be

Always, always
Forever, forever
No other woman
No other being

Only you
can give so much
can hurt so much
can love so much

I love you so

till ...


-frustratedangel, 6:12pm, Mother's Day 2010

i do crazy things sometimes, like NOW. yeah, now is crazy, no other explanation but that. sighs.

So, yeah.

What I feel right at this moment?


S-U-F-F-O-C-A-T-E-D ----> I cannot breathe.

Words fail me.
Emotions leave me unsure.
Actions confuse me.

State of Limbo

How long can one get stuck in a state of limbo?

I find myself unable to answer questions thrown at me by people who seem to know me more than I do myself. I'm tired of racking my brains just to save myself of the humiliation of having to prove myself to myself.

Life is a short and long journey, depending on how you live it. Life is a process, it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. You cannot skip one part just to move on to the next. You have to go along all the steps to fulfill your ultimate destiny.

One discovers things day by day. Uncovering new and wonderful rarities, unleashing hidden potentials.

I am as yet undiscovered. I'd like to think that way. For tomorrow brings forth another page of my story yet untold.

How long then do I have to get stuck in this state of limbo?

Well then I guess, it's forever and a day. =)

heave and sigh

loooong weekends aren't as long as i want them to be.
moments come and go.
minutes pass me by.
days become nights.
all becomes cold.
just when you are getting the grasp of things, they seem to disappear into thin air.
what is wrong with me? i ask.
what is wrong with you? i wonder.

when all is well and good. doubt comes in.
when nothing seems right. you heave a sigh.

crap.

may you let the star in you shine

Something I'd like to share with my students. A honest and heartfelt speech from President Barrack Obama on the first day of school in Arlington, Virginia last September 8, 2009.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/

If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

simple joys

In the daily blur of events that is my life, I appreciate the little things and for these I am kept sane. =)

-Commuting every morning with my huggable sis!
-Hearing senti songs/ songs of my adolescence while riding the jeepney.
-Being able to finish a book.
-Bookhunting! Booksales!
-Icecream.=)
-Fanticism mode of lil sis. She is contagious.
-When I get to make progress.
-Bonding mode with co-workers.
-Cher! Cher! greetings from the students.
-Sundays with my family!
-When the weather is good!
-Getting enough sleep.
-Learning new things.
-Updates from friends.
-Spiritual readings.

loophole

monday.
tuesday.
wednesday.
thursday.
friday.
saturday.
sunday.
monday.
loop.

i'm dragging the days behind me.
sluggishly going through life in a dazed state.
sometimes an unknown force would smack me in the head,
and for a time i'd snap back to reality.
only to go back to my muddled cosmos,
indefinitely convinced it's all a dream.

1. When I tell you... or tell myself: I'll take a 5 minute nap. Don't believe me, that means I'm good as gone for the night. Seriously. It' a newfound talent, aside from the one where I can sleep through a movie in the moviehouse. 

2. I had an encounter with the other side. (Clearly heard the screeching of one of the heavy wooden chairs on cemented floor at the office before leaving last night. Confirmed by my officemate so it cannot be blamed on drunken tiredness. It is creepy, I tell you.)

3. What makes me happy? It's the ultimate question I have a hard time answering right now.

4. My indecisiveness is driving me nuts. It's as evident now as ever. And it sucks bigtime.

5. I'm turning into a certified anti-social. I'm sorry my dear friends... I can't get myself in the mood to keep in touch. What the...? You tell me, what is wrong with me? Argh!

6. I'd like to stay in my personal bubble for a week. This freak me out.

7. Some parents are just so hard to converse with. They use all their inherent power to intimidate you. And I cringe and hold my breath before dialing the number. Although, some are plain nice. There are still exceptions to keep me sane, thank goodness.

8. Kids. Children. Love. =)

9. I've decided to bum around for the day. Sue me but I'm sticking to the plan. Haha. =p

10. I have certain fixations and phases which I would not go about explaining because you probably wouldn't understand anyway. Last one is in plastic covering all my books, it lessens my stress level. Weird, I know.

   

Let it Out in Ten

1. I don't want to admit that I'm kinda having a hard time right now. 

2. It sucks that I can't talk to you without you getting mad. -What's the matter with you? Your PMS phase should have a break.

3. I should definitely be sleeping right now than doing this.

4. Or I should be doing tons of other stuff that I really should be doing instead of this. Crap.

5. Children are so soooo cute. =)

6. Winnie the pooh is not for boys.

-One mother asked her daughter what gift wrapper design she'd like. The daughter adorably answered: Winnie the pooh! =) Mother replied: Ano ka ba? Panlalaki yun eh! (What are you? That's for boys!) 

-What the heck? Since when did winnie the pooh become stereotyped as a boy's cartoon character?

7. I want ice cream. and the twisted series. and... tons of other stuff... (redundancy is a sickness)

8. Bad me. Really bad me.

9. I'm confused. Uber confused.

10. Sigh!

i apologize. it's just that...

i'm too afraid to let you go.

i felt betrayed you didn't let me know.

i'm ashamed to have trusted you.

i wonder what other lies you have with you.

right now, i can't bear to look you in the eye,

and see that you are not the same person i thought you were.

it's too sad that i put such esteem and faith in you.

yet, all along you played me with your innocent smile.

i can't believe you anymore.

mark this day.

i never thought this day would come.

i was too foolish and naive to admit it would.

eventually, it would.

just as the rain continue to pour without my heed.

just as the clock continue to tick with every second.

just as the sun continue to shine without my command.

just as the tears continue to fall with every heartache.

just as tomorrow contnues to come without hesitation.

some things you never can stop.

no matter how hard you try.

it would happen.

and sadly, it has.

Life is full of things unexpected. Just when you thought you knew where you are going, He whispers in your ear and tells you to go the other way. All you can do when that happens, is to tell him with a smile: "Okay, I trust you!" =)

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
-Washington Irving

hapi maders dey mommy! ilabyu! ♥♥♥

kelan ba nakakamit ang "happiness?" ang "joy?" ano bang sukatan ng pagiging masaya? talaga bang ito ay isang desisyon na hinaharap sa bawat araw? kung gayon, desisyon din ba ang pagiging miserable? ang mga estadong ito ba ay ilusyon lamang o sadyang katotohanan na kasama sa ating realidad?

yellow dreams

let me take you to my yellow dreams
where sunsets signify beginnings
and sunrise endings.
where sunflowers and daisies
line up the streets in neat lines.
where rainy days are nonexistent
and gloomy days are banned.
where hands are clasped when walking
and fingers crossed when running.
where all are sweet and nice and lovely
because there exist where none exists.
and that was the day i met you
my soulmate and destiny till yonder
bind us together.

28apr09 7:04pm (tues.)

it can be that i'm asking too much.

but can you blame me?

i only wanted the good in life,
if that's too much,
i'm sorry i even asked. =(