"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
-Washington Irving

hapi maders dey mommy! ilabyu! ♥♥♥

kelan ba nakakamit ang "happiness?" ang "joy?" ano bang sukatan ng pagiging masaya? talaga bang ito ay isang desisyon na hinaharap sa bawat araw? kung gayon, desisyon din ba ang pagiging miserable? ang mga estadong ito ba ay ilusyon lamang o sadyang katotohanan na kasama sa ating realidad?

yellow dreams

let me take you to my yellow dreams
where sunsets signify beginnings
and sunrise endings.
where sunflowers and daisies
line up the streets in neat lines.
where rainy days are nonexistent
and gloomy days are banned.
where hands are clasped when walking
and fingers crossed when running.
where all are sweet and nice and lovely
because there exist where none exists.
and that was the day i met you
my soulmate and destiny till yonder
bind us together.

28apr09 7:04pm (tues.)

it can be that i'm asking too much.

but can you blame me?

i only wanted the good in life,
if that's too much,
i'm sorry i even asked. =(

Came back from Neverland...=)

Just had my retreat last weekend. It was different out there.

Silence.

A time to think and ponder about God, me and the world.

I came back with renewed energy and a baggage full of hope. =)=)=)

sintunado.

sintunado daw ako. tuwing ako'y umaawit. laging na-o-off key, nauuna o nahuhuli man sa mga nota ng kanta. pag dating naman sayo, bakit ganun, lagi mong sinasambit na nasa tono ako, na may tono ako. ang hirap, balibaliktarin ko man, hindi ko padin masabi ng tama ang mga nasa isipan ko. ang konsert sa utak ko, kahit ilang beses na ang pinagdaanang rehearsals, eh laging mali ang labas. para bang nagiging isang bangunguot ang lahat. lagi ko tuloy hinihiling na sana matapos na ang kanta. sana para sa susunod na set na lang ako babawi. itigil na ang kanta, hindi ko na abot ang nota.

Over na ata! Sobraaaa na!

Pero sorry di pa din papa-awat! Ang sayaaa ko kanina at hanggang ngayon... tingnan mo nga at di pa ko tulog. Haiiii! Abot langit na naman ang smiles ko ngayong gabing puno ng bituin.

Salamats Inday! The best ka talaga! Ikaw na lagi ko isasama! Ahahahaha. Sana may next time pa kahit ayaw mo na..hehe.

Chance Glance

Walking along paved roads
in solitary mode, drowned by
the sudden crowd amidst the
milky air, I scanned every face I
encountered to no avail since
eyes were downcast, keeping to
themselves their untold
secrets, just when I started
giving up, I chanced upon your
hazel eyes, it lingered a second
or two longer-like a heartbeat...
without hestitation, and then I felt that
in the vastness of the universe, my
solitariness broke its routinary
mode, the rhythmic cycle halted
for a second
or two
thanks to you.
-04.14.09 (10:47am)

*kanina habang nagaantay matawag for testing. nag-adik at sumulat ng tula.

A day of rejoicing!

Happy easter everyone!

After attending mass with my mom, everything feels a lot lighter and happier and brighter.

Starting anew with the promise of God safe in my hand. I-am-grateful. =) 

this is insanity!

Back off. Stalker like mode.

Dark shades. Music down low.

Epitome of a new morrow.

Who to care? for another meager's life.

Nosy nose above closed books.

Searching for the needle in the fields of h-a-y.

Back off stranger!

Mind your own beeswax.

Waste some time. 

Be a worry wart of your own busy world.

-04.12.09 (6:30am)

some fairy tales are of bitter endings.

raging shouts echoes in solitary air,

surrounding a heavy heart.

silent cries of helplessness, 

midway into a deserted sanctuary.

wonderment crushed,

as fairytales gets snatched.

pretty princess in despair,

as the clock strikes 12:00.

magical carriage and enchanting appearance,

in a flash warps back to reality. 

*puro nega nalang ang posts ko. pero i feel at home writing about loneliness. weird ko. haha. yan kasi lagi lumalabas tuwing susulat ako. sabi ko pa naman masaya na dapat post ko since puro kadramahan na lang these past few days pero can't help that which flow naturally.   

wish

ang mumunti kong hiling ngayon ay:

-no more tears!

-bente quatro oras ng kapayapaan.

-kahit isang araw lang na walang malungkot at walang nagagalit; walang nakasimangot at walang nasasaktan.

misleading oasis

compulsions escalating to obsessions,

as the id, ego and superego battle it out.

tearing one from the other,

where intellect and will become a messy blur.

where one is left behind,

tear stricken and alone.

deceived by worldly schemes,

and promises of perpetual happiness.

*Holy Week. Maundy Thursday. Reflection on Jesus Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Dying for our sins. Our endless sins and ungrateful nature. His mercy abounds forever. Do not be blinded. What choice do we make?  

paulit-ulit

paumanhin sa mga salang paulit-ulit.

ilang beses man magsabing di na uulit.

pilit pa ring bumabalik. 

pasensya ka na. alam kong mali.

pero sana tulungan mo kong untugin ang matigas kong ulo.

ng paulit-ulit. para nang tuluyang matuto.

flickering lights

on and off.

yes and no.

here and there.

this and that.

now and then.

could and would.

you and me.

magnetic pull on opposite ends

wanting to be noticed yet feigning to be invisible.

trodding less travelled paths yet dreading the unexpected.

striving to be normal yet struggling to be different.

some things never change..

and so the same cycle repeats itself...

bad habits left unchanged.

nasty attitudes dismissed.

new discoveries blinded.

and memories starts turning gray...

Mind in shambles.

Put my mind at ease,

Carry me to your disease.

Hold me tight at the very least,

Feel my heart become at peace.

*Walang magawa...basta may rhyme. haha. =p

Bummer! As always!

I'm feeling a bit cynical... 

It happens all the time. When I'm enjoying myself or when I'm feeling a bit too happy, somebody else feels entirely opposite to the situation.

Sending me a slap in the face to stop the illusion of happiness.

*Sighs*

~So, that said. I won't elaborate on the "superficial" cause of my joy a moment ago. But, super cute. Yun lang. =p

I am a Thomasian Graduate with Unexpected Blessings!

Just received the best graduation gift!!! Thanks to my pretty sisters!!! 

Hawak ko na ang pinapangarap! Hahaha. Can't take the smile off my face... =)

*The timex paperbag illusion got me...lol. Didn't really expect it...well, maybe a little. =p Hehe. ~Sighs in happiness. =D ~Wants to give somebody a tight hug even though you are literally milesss away...I owe you one big tight hug! =) ~Uber thanks to my "eat all you can queen" of a sister! You made my day! Enough na nga you garlic rice + chicken barbeque experience..haha. Pero syempre di ko to tatanggihan..lol. ~Happy that I am with my family this very special day, kahit kulang na kulang pero sakto pa din! Love you all! =)

*A tad of regret resides in me as each graduate with latin honors is recognized on stage. I could have made it. Could have. I'm sorry for disappointing a few important people. Admittedly even myself. This just moves me to try harder and look at the future with brighter eyes! If not now, there is still tomorrow, so fear not! =) 

*Aside from that, I recall having misty eyes while watching the end of the video presentation (leaving the university through the arc of the century..hayz)... finally, I am a graduate... and as Fr. Tamerlane Lana exclaims.. "What now?" The question that has been bugging since school ended, exclaimed to reality. Lord, help me! ~.~ And so the journey begins...

Declaration

I have decided that this moment will really be the start of CHANGE.

Whatever that means, is for me to know and you to find out. =p

shhhh...

I have a secret to tell you..ssshhh...

I'm feeling lonelier everyday and I wonder why.

release

this is my form of release...
venomous words seeps out my tongue,
poisonous yet untouched.

lamat

ang vase pag nabasag, kahit ilang beses mo pang pilit pagdikitin, mahahalata mo pa din ang lamat. hindi na ito babalik sa dati nitong ganda. katulad ng vase na nabasag ang maraming bagay, pilit mang itago ang nakaraan, pilit mang ibalik ang dati nang nakasanayan, hindi mapagkakaila ang pagbabago naganap at ang epekto nito sa persepsyon ng maraming tao. 

terpretni

my own words choke me.

wanting me to turn mute.

turn down the music.

i cannot hear you.

sound waves reverberate,

sending wrong signals.

i'm misinterpreted.

again and again.

 

second best

kung ika'y papipiliin

kung ako o sila...?

marahil ang sagot ko nung makalawa

ay siyempre ako.

ano pa nga ba?

pero bigla akong natauhan

na niloloko ko lang pala ang sarili ko.

ilang buwan na ba tayong di nagkikita?

ilang linggo? ilang araw?

ilang minuto? ilang segundo?

sa isang taon na nakalipas,

ilang beses pa lang ba tayong nagkita?

isa.

oo, isa.

at malamang ang ibig lamang ipahiwatig nito,

ay di na ko parte ng mundong ginagalawan mo.

mahirap tanggapin. magkaiba na pala tayo.

magkaiba na.

nahihirapan ka nang isiksik ako sa puno mong schedule.

tanggap ko na.

sana masaya ka.

sana minsan sa isang taon, 

maalala mo pa din ang pinagsamahan natin.

at kung sakaling iwan ka nila,

o di kaya'y nagsawa na kayo sa isa't isa,

andito pa din ako.

tatanggapin ka ng walang pasabi.

ngingiti lang ako, tulad ng dati.

sabay sabi: oi musta na?

namiss kita...

About me:

/ice cream lover/occasional bookworm/aspiring poetry writer/wacky unpredictable sister/true blue practicing roman catholic/late bloomer eheads fanatic/budding pupil follower/otaku/escapist adventurer/accidental daydreamer/member of the NBSB club/possible heterophobia/crazy over *** at the moment/dying to have an mp3 or an mp4/ lost her cellphone twice/left without notice by ---/fears weird techno sounds/wouldn't dare watch a horror movie alone/ hardcore sleep goddess/sticker happy/stuck in the puberty stage/attempting to start and have a life/salivates over junk food/can have chicken as her everyday meal/so not into sports/kleptomaniac in her past life/vanity strikes with camera shots/spotted all over/once had a gangztah crush/alcohol drugs and smoke free/can't keep up with 'em/mulling over l.i.f.e./born romantic/amateur at crossing streets and highways/wants to be kissed in the rain someday/has a pair of sandals, a pair of rubber shoes, a pair of leather shoes and a pair of slippers/scared of being caught red handed/corny joker/loves corn/had undergone a minor surgery/fears breast cancer/scared of ronald mcdonald and his relatives/is positive that dora is her sister's look alike/has "inday" as her roommate/has four faithful bestfriends/discovered her microphone phobia during a karaoke session/grew up with paper dolls/loves the stars/soul lost in the clouds of yesterday and tomorrow/"with a smile" is her current lullaby song/

*Format and concept taken from the blog of an acquaintance. Or not so acquaintance. Maybe I forgot to include "sporadic copy cat." or not! lol.

euphoric invitation

your melodic voice,
drives me wild.

caressing my being,
without the slightest touch.

luring me closer,
and closer still.

replaying the echo,
over and over.

i could stay like this
forever...

blow my mind,
with the sound of your

melancholic voice.

*parang kanta lang. hehe. song lyrics can be a form of poetry naman di ba. i'm on a roll! common! pagbigyan na. (wag na lang magreact nung may alam ng pinaguugatan nito. haha. shhh..>.<)

musings of an intoxicated lover

you take me far away...
far away into the blue skies.

into the galactic universe...
of your imagination.

i could stay like this forever...
if you would only hold me tighter.

i close my eyes...
everything melts away.

you and i...
you and i...


you and i.

in ecstatic fantasy...
of ever after.

*watta title?! hala. hehe. sorry kung yung iba nagdoodoodle. ako naman nagscriscribble. ng kung anu anu.

the queen of attribution

slipped through my hands,
shattered glass.

reflection mirrored,
of stained beauty.

automatic reflex,
of bewitchment.

appealing stance,
of mere accusations.

external perfection,
seemingly maintained.

beware scattered,
fatal crystals.


*grabeh, may nangyari na naman today. the poem says it all. although, im pretty sure no one would really understand the meaning beneath those words.

The Internet...

...can make you waste your time tremendously. And that is what it has been doing to me ever since this morning. Hmph. So many applications and other stuff to keep you amused... (Blog/s - hehe, obviously; Social networking sites - facebook, friendster, multiply, plurk, the list goes on and on; Online game sites - neopets, mydivadoll, etc.; Online streaming sites - crunchyroll, mysoju, dramacrazy, youtube and more; Your Email - going through each will take you centuries, literally, and many many other things). No looking at the clock and the next glance and you're in for a shock as to how much time has already passed. That and the fact that I cannot do much walking and moving around. So I'm literally stuck in one place for a period of time. It feels like I'm repeating my woes all over again. Oh men.

So I'm telling myself to stop right now.

As in. NOW.

Zip it!

Concealed Glimmer

Shadows bound and
embrace my Silhouette.
Budding emotions and
double edged swords.
Flashing smiles and
silly lies.
Waiting for the break of dawn.

Till the moonlight casts its
hidden light.
So will my heart rests in
burying ardor.
Unbroken chains are what I aim.
A broken heart I bear.

*Just thought of coming up with a poem to check if my creative juices are still on the ooze. Hmmm. Watcha think? Hayz. I suddenly begin to miss writing.

Agenda: One, Two and Three!!!

Agenda One: the second toe of my right foot got infected. and it's red and swollen. wah! i can't walk straight cause it hurts oh so much! *sobs* hayz! so i'm stuck one place at a time. hope it heals soon! and by soon i mean soon as in tomorrow? hmph. please!?

Agenda Two: just when you least expect something to happen, something unexpected would definitely find its way to you. well, that's what happened to a friend. she's still working things out. if i were in her place i would definitely freak out! imagine, not being able to graduate just because of an honest mistake. one subject which she attended religiously and has fulfilled all requirements for was overlooked and was not enrolled and encoded. what?! you say. she's still working things out and i pray that she does get pass through this. she has worked so hard to tighten loose ends and now this! but maybe it's just a trial and a good reason for it. let's cross our fingers that all will end as it should be.

Agenda Three: i attended the recent eraserheads: the final set concert (thanks super duper my friend who gave me two free tickets as a gift!!!), and it was definitely more than worth it. i tell you, i wasn't really a fan or whatsoever, i just knew some of their songs but as the concert came to a close, well, i was close to being one. hayz. artists inspire fellow artists to aspire. what? haha. anyway, i just love people who have the passion and enthusiasm to create. they pull you and hypnotize you, at the same time, they push you to face the world and just dare! whoo! one more thing...me and my sister thinks that the lead singer definitely has his appeal. haha.

F and R... frustrations and realizations

Instead of writing a report I should be doing, here I am, posting a blog entry instead.

It's like I'm losing vigor at the thought of not being able to accomplish the task. And it's honestly got me into thinking if I should be pursuing this or not.

But I feel I want this and that I want this to be for me. Hayz. I also hope that this might be what God wants for me.

Classes has ended yet my life seems to kick in a bit more. I have not started the so called "resting phase" and I also haven't officially declared the start of the summer! Oh. Yes. I do my own rest! periodsssss... which should not have occured just yet but well it can't be helped, I'm human after all and I also need rest.

Also, since I'm about to enter the world of work sooner than later. It has got me reflecting about a lot of things and issues. For now, I just hope that all goes well. Pray for me. I need it!

*Funny how God works in the most mysterious ways. How he creeps in and just sweeps you away with his unexpected reminders. I was asking a lot of my friends to pray for me these days and one of them replied through text... "ikaw din wg mu kalimutan to pray." As simple as that, God reminded me to prioritize my own prayer time with Him. I was left both a tad guilty but with a smile since I felt loved. For Him to have time to remind me these things when I often can't make time for Him.

writing

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.
-Carol Burnett (1936)

*A great quote on writing. So true. People sometimes just give meaning to whatever it is you write and whether they are right or wrong is no longer in the hands of the writer, but on how the words printed are understood.

V-day tomorrow!

Haha. Before my uninteresting comment on V-day, just realized my 100th post was posted on a Friday...not just any other Friday for that matter...but Friday the 13th!!!... creepy...O.o

Well, on to my commentary..haha... Another unspecial V-day coming up. haha. My friends often tease me about being too uninterested with the opposite sex. Hmmm, I wouldn't totally say that I'm 100% uninterested, rather the famous line comes in.."I just don't see it as a priority... yet?" haha. "And anyway, nobody seems to be interested at the moment."

I don't believe in seeking for love... it will come, if it's God's will, it will come. I see myself both ways, and in whatever path I will be chosen to take, I'll be happy as long as I have someone/somebody to care for...=) Since, I'm also a graduating student, my stream of thought lead me into wanting a job wherein I can both do apostolate and be of service.

I'm getting more and more personal nowadays. Don't mind me. Random thoughts are spilling itself everywhere. I'm in danger of being fully revealed. Hahaha.

I want to pour my love unto You!

100th post!!!

Imagine! Reached my 100th post! Haha. Happy 100th post to my blog?!!! Hihi.

Thesis Defense on Tuesday Afternoon. Tuesday is D-day!!! Wah! Please pray for us! Thanks!..^.^

Still tons and piles of work to do... Neverending nga daw, but somehow I feel that when all these end...I'll miss it! Because the end of these things signifies the end of another chapter.

Letting go even if one isn't ready yet is a fact of life.

no longer redeemable.

"Joker is an angel in distress. It was a fatal misunderstanding that led him to assume a body of flesh and blood. He only wanted to share the primate's lot for a few cosmic seconds, but he pulled down the celestial ladder behind him. If no one fetches him now, the biological clock will tick faster and faster, and it will be too late to return to heaven." - Maya, Jostein Gaardner

*make no room for deadly mistakes. it will cost you.

now.

time. precious. irretrievable.

something i realized just a few days ago.

it may seem an elementary philosophy that everyone knows, but truly we take it for granted a bit too much.

i just realized that there are many important things that i should do justice by treating them as such. most of the time, i get out of hand and am out of my senses.

most of the time, i hurt people and pass out opportunities. most of the time, things don't work out well and instead of stopping it at that and standing back up again, i prolong the agony and make things worse. but i resolve to do better and struggle a bit more. kambatte! >.<

*just. now.

just another day.
just another time.
just another second.

just, now.

if things be, i'll hold your hand a little longer.
hug you a little tighter.
laugh a little louder.

just, now.

let me say it's okay.
let me say your right.
let me say i'm sorry straight from my heart.

just, now.

i want to let things be.
forget all the evil.
and smile the tears away.

50 FIRST REACTIONS...

This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS. Type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you hear these 50 words. Don't think and don't go back and change. Doesn't matter how random just type it! Repost it for all of your (bored) friends.

1. Beer: not for me..~.~
2. Food: yummy! - i can hear my stomach growl right now. >.<
3. Relationships: waiting. haha.
4. Your CRUSH: none at the moment. i think. O.o
5. Power Rangers: childhood. ako si yellow o si pink?
6. Life: whirlwind.
7. The President: petite
8. Yummy: cantonese!!! haha. and ice cream and... ang dami nila!
9. Cars: want one. hihi.
10. Movie: Sleepless in Seattle. Till now di pa din natutuloy ang panunuod ng dvd with fam. dami aberya. haha.
11. Halloween: ooohhhh..
12. Sex: escapades around me. O.o
13. Religion: Catholic. Now and always. =)
14. Hate: sleepless nights and headaches. -.-
15. Fear: the bleak tomorrow. W.w
16. Marriage: precious and sacred.
17. Blondes: um, their blonde?
18. Slippers: comfy! ;p
19. Shoes: heels..haha. courtesy of my ojtmates. bleh!
20. Asians: i can identify with. hihi.
21. Past time: reading, net, sleeping, eating...haha.
22. One night stand: what?!
23. My Cell Phone: practically practical.
24. Smoke: cough, cough...don't come near...
25. Fantasy: foodlandia...?
26. College: the thesis hurdle. wahk!
27. Highschool Life: few but precious memories..
28. Pajamas: sleepy me. -.-Zzz...
29. Stars: hope.
30. Fitness Center: i might need it some time..but hopefully not.haha.
31. Alcohol: scared to be intoxicated.
32. The word love: smiles.
33. Friends: laughtrip. =)
34. Money: necessity..-.-
35. Heartache: hurts..
36. Time: grasping.
37. Divorce: sad.
38. Dogs: cute.
39. Undies: hmmmm..supposed to be concealed.
40. Parents: gratitude..
41. Babies: kawaii!
42. Ex: wala ko nun.
43. Song: lalalalala...
44. Color: white, blue and red.
45. Weddings: magical.
46. Pizza: sbarro...white.yum.
47. Hangout: uste.lib,thesismate's condo.
48. Restaurant: Napoli's.
49. Goal: case reportssssss... thesis paper and defense.
50. Inspiration: family..and God.~.~

*seems unlikely for me to post something like this. guess i just needed a breather. thesis makes me go crazy right now. haha.

...

those three dots represent how I'm feeling right now.

...

telling me that tomorrow is another unknown day,
that the future may be bleak or bright depending on how you look at it,
that some things are never for long,
the things you want, ending too soon and the things you dread, never seem to end,
that things continue on even without you,
that it is a nice feeling anticpating something,
but also quite frustrating when the waiting is too long,
that there is hope,
that even though tomorrow seems too scary,
the better and only choice is always to move on.


*more days are coming to an end. still more days are coming...

Extreme ends

Crying from the pain of aspiring something,
and crying from having nothing to aspire;
i wonder which is more difficult.

-Takemoto-kun, Honey and Clover Jdrama

*I'm at a crossroads and this line reminded me of my fears and inhibitions...Hay...

Welcome 2009!!!

It's almost the end of yet another year. How time flies. Oh, how it flies.

Still left with the many resolutions made, it is time again to create new ones... The year ahead promises many new things, doors to be unlocked, adventures to take, experiences to unravel, strangers to meet, awaiting and dreading at the same time.

2008: Many last things. Many last things. Many last things. I'll miss it. For sure. But...

2009: Promises even more. Looking forward to a lot of new beginnings.

Happy New Year!!! With a shed of sadness, shadowed with a ton of cheers! =)

After Retreat

...is total haggardness. After being able to recharge, seems like God scheduled the retreat so that we'll have the energy to face the many many tasks ahead. I can't even see the morrow without a task waiting to be hurdled. But it's better than being idle. It's just that I somehow feel I'm gonna get sick any moment now. I'm gonna have to get used to being busy with tasks again. Lol.

...are many realizations here and there. Sole purpose in life is to be able to give the love God gave us back to Him. Have to keep that in mind always.

*God is good. All the time. God is where? Everywhere.* =)

[Mini-corner]

Silently screaming
in the dead of the night.

Waiting and waiting
for the outstretched hand.

Stooped to cringing
in the corner of the world.

In my mini-corner,
I wonder.

I hope.

I hope...

Behind the Mystery...

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Frustratedangel!

1. Frustratedangel has three eyelids!
2. Donald Duck's middle name is frustratedangel!
3. You should always open frustratedangel at least an hour before drinking her.
4. The only Englishman to become frustratedangel was Nicholas Breakspear, who was frustratedangel from 1154 to 1159.
5. Without its lining of frustratedangel, your stomach would digest itself.
6. Until the 1960s, frustratedangel was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
7. Frustratedangel will become gaseous if her temperature rises above -42°C!
8. The Eskimos have over fifty words for frustratedangel!
9. Baskin Robbins once made frustratedangel flavoured ice cream.
10. All shrimp are born as frustratedangel, but gradually mature into females!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

*Got this from mia again! Nakaka-aliw...hehe...=)

My Colorgenics Profile

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

Whatever has caused the situation, you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord: you are like the tide, flotsam and jetsam... One minute you experience 'highs' and a few moments later 'lows'. This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and with this demanding attitude - the ideal state you desire is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you and you find it difficult to listen to or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

Ponder a Moment, Decide and Stick to It.

Make time for the things you really want.

If you don't, expect that nothing will happen.

Prioritize so that you won't get lost and you'll always know where you are going.

*Advices I have been getting lately from people who care. Thanks!

the beauty in loneliness

It's ironic, how most of the time the very thing that causes us pain is the very thing we keep longing for.

I wonder why most people enjoy watching dramas that make them end up crying with puffy eyes, why most people are attracted to sad love songs that let them relive the painful memories of the past, why most people wallow in their pain, in their sorrow and chooses to be so until they can no longer hold themselves together...

What is there in pain? What is there in loneliness?

I wonder if the very essence of pain is to let us appreciate happiness more. If by being lonely we realize that we are not alone after all. If having our visions blurred by tears, we see more clearly the very things we have overlooked many many times.

I wonder and I'll keep wondering the beauty and the comfort loneliness brings. To me. And maybe to a thousand other people.

So for now, I'll still keep searching for good dramas that will keep the tears flowing, I'll keep listening to sad love songs that stir my heart a couple too many times, I'll keep seeking for pain, for sorrow...

And I'll keep smiling through the tears...

10 things I want to say to 10 people

*taken from mia*

Write 10 things that you wanna say to 10 people. Anything you wanna tell them. Basta the rule is, DON'T STATE THEIR NAME.

1. I'm sorry, I have failed you in many different ways. I want to do all these things for you, help me and guide me always. Remind me always that You are the sole reason for my existence.

2. I'll keep trying, no matter how hard, I'll still try. Because I do not like hurting you, because I truly care.

3. It's been really hard accepting everything. I didn't realize that I've been having a hard time forgiving. I hope that I'll slowly have a change of heart. I truly hope that time can heal wounds.

4. I admire you in more ways than you can ever imagine. You have a pure heart and most of the time I wish I had that too.

5. I'm scared for you. I wish that I could shape the world so that you won't get hurt and that you'll understand things better. Just remember, we're always here for you. Always.

6. I wonder what you really think of me. I keep getting deceived by your gentle ways. I hope we could be friends. At least kahit friends lang.

7. I miss you. I've not been such a good friend lately. Missing in action. I know you understand but still I hope I can make it up to you. *hug*

8. I haven't heard from you in a long while. The next time we see each other, hope nothing changes.

9. Thank you. Sometimes, I don't understand your ways, but I'm glad we are what we are. It gets complicated in between, but I'm glad our bond is strong, and I'll want it to keep getting stronger.

10. You never fail to brighten up people's day. I see your struggles but that only makes you all the more admirable. You just don't see it, but your more lovable than you think you are. *hug*

Last sembreak

Time is ticking near. Every second, every minute, gone for good.

My college life is nearing its end, hopefully, should be. My last semestral break, the looming last semester till graduadtion.

Too many things to accomplish still. Too many memories to hold. Too many decisons left unmade.


*I'm in my drama mode. Forgive me for the mushiness.

I was so happy when you smiled
Your smile breaks through the clouds of grey

Far from the sunny days that lie in sleep
Waiting with patience for the spring
When the flowers will bloom renewed again
Knowing there's more beyond the pain of today

Although the scars of yesterday remain
You can keep on living as much as your heart believes

You can't be born again
All though you can change
Let's stay together always

Smile only at me and touch me with those fingers
This simple desire is everlasting

I want things to be simple
Let's finally get across this sea of mournful sorrow

For instance, even if today is painful
Someday it will become a warm memory
If you leave everything up to your heart

I understand the meaning our living here
It is to know the joy of having been born
Let's stay together always

For instance, even if today is painful
Someday it will become a warm memory
If you leave everything up to your heart

I understand the meaning our living here
It is to know the joy of having been born
Let's stay together always

*Finished reading Fruits Basket manga...sense of accomplishment...happy ending even though they were all somewhat broken throughout the series. By the way, the lyrics above are from the anime...it leaves a feeling of hope, doesn't it?

total. bum.

bum. mer.

you. are.

such. a..

bum. mer.

you. are.

bum. mer.

habang nakikipagdaldalan...

kanina sa last class namin with my seatmate. She commented: "Ay, gemini ka talaga!" And so, she enumerates some of the characteristics most gemini's have:

-Conversationalist/ Chatty person
-Shaky when it comes to beliefs and decisions
-Judgmental
-Gullible/ Easily persuaded
-Sensitive
-Crybaby/Emotional
-Witty
-Moody

Surprisingly, most of it hit the spot. Well, it's not that I believe in such things... it just got me thinking about my personality and some of my general traits.

*It's funny how two persons can be so alike and different at the same time.

Ay, oo alam ko pasaway makipagdaldalan habang nagkaklase, patapos na naman eh. Hehe.

true?!

Your Birthdate: June 2

You're so intuitive, it's like you have a sixth, seventh, and eighth sense. You connect with others freely and easily - and you tend to have many best friends. Warm and caring, it's hard for you to close your heart to anyone. Affection is like air for you - you need to give and receive it to survive. Your strength: Your universal compassion Your weakness: Your unpredictable mood swings Your power color: Mauve Your power symbol: Butterfly Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

just thought of writing something...

anything.

been quite stressed these days,

basically caused by our thesis.

and to think that we just got started.

but, life has been going well,

i think.

i'm progressing, bit by bit.

though i still need to learn more,

much more.

Ice

After the longest time,
the maiden's shoulders shook.

With it the cold winds blew,
and crystals slipped from her eyes.

An undefined light surrounded her being,
one of eerie gloom it exudes.

She couldn't hide her pain any longer,
she had a cold heart as it was.

Yet, even ice melts...

Rants...

She always sees my flaws,

she only sees my flaws.

And to think that I had hoped,

when I already knew the ending.

Dreamy Idealist..hmmm?

-Seems to be quite true for the most part. Click the button to read what it says, and see if you agree with me. You can also take the test yourself! ~.~

Random Thoughts while on the Road

Number One: What's with truck drivers, istambays on the sidewalk, security guard posts...?
- They keep bugging you with their speeches of "Hey, Miss!; Ganda, kumusta?; Good Morning Beautiful?" and all the other nonsense talk just to get your attention. I'm no fool and I'm no beauty as well. It just gets so annoying sometimes not to add a bit creepy! Hay, maybe they are just plain bored with their life. I wish that they get to think of another past time and quick.

Number Two: What if before you say "Yes" or an "I Do" to the love of your life, you reveal all the nasty things about yourself, all the skeleton in your closet, will he still stay and accept you?
- One of my wild imaginations got me thinking this. Pretty weird I know but it's like a test you know so that he/she does not go off running from you when the going gets tough or when things may not seem to be as perfect. It's also a nice plot to a novel. The title may be "100 Things You Didn't Know About Me"; "Love Me or Hate Me?"; "The Truth About Eve/Adam." Hehehe...

Number Three: Poetry, my love for poetry, where did it go?
- I though about getting back to my writing poems again, but it seems that the spirit of creativity has left me completely. I just don't seem to put two and two together, it's like it's all wrong. I hope one day I get struck by the lightning of creativity and be able to write again. I miss the feeling of being able to let out your feelings in a string of beautiful words. I'm not saying my works before were any good but at least I was able to proudly say that I've written quite a few pieces even if it's for my personal purposes alone. I summon you, common strike me now! Hehe.

*I'm pretty bold now to be able to write things like this. I don't know. It's like I'm just full inside and letting out some of my random thoughts would help lighten my load a bit. Stay with me, even if I'm a little wacko. Haha. ~.~

Summer's almost over.. still the SUN shines brighter!.

My 2008 Summer was I would say a mix of adventures.

*I had experienced my first taste of the real workplace which was not bad at all.

*Got to mingle with new people.

*Attended an aerobics class other than PE... which was not at all far from it. Haha.

*I was able to go out of town without my biological family, but with my YFC family (Tagaytay lang naman...hehe...).

*I was able to take a bath in an improvished shower area, haha... with *****. Haha.

*Got sunburned.

*Shouted out my heart to the heavens.

*Cried my heart out with some sad asian movies and dramas.

*Thought about life more.

*And even more.

*Prayed a lot.

*And prayed a little.

*Ate to my heart's desire.

*Gained weight fast...huhu...1** pounds as of the moment.

*Missed some of the old times.

*Cried a little over some of the usual things.

*Met up with old buddies.

*Got back to reading a few good titles.

*Love the sensation of melting ice cream even more. Hehe.

*Got addicted to a few new and old things. But rethinking it over and over.

*Learned that some things are harder to let go than other things.

*And that it is easier to let go when you do not think about what you are letting go of.

*Matured a little. I think... I hope so. Hehe.

*Hope for a brighter tomorrow. Sunny sunny sunny...even in the midst of the rainy season...


And so, I leave you with these words. Life is indeed beautiful, in whatever angle, even if it sometimes hurts, still its beauty is undeniable. ~.~

Saranghe...

Real love... it's just being happy without getting anything... only giving.

Love is like this... someone you love gets hit by a car and killed one rainy day. After that, you can't leave the accident site... You go there to direct traffic thinking about your love, never missing a single day, crying when it's raining...

...ing (korean movie)

When will the time come for me to say the words "saranghaeyo...?"

Too much watching of korean romance films...~.~

Love is not an easy thing... but that's what makes it rewarding.~.~

Pocahontas Skin, Industrial Practicum, Summer Alone, Bloated Figure and Many More

If you have seen me this April, you probably will be joining the others in teasing me as I've become Pocahontas skinned?/Negra so to say... Huhuhu... I want my fairer skin back... I know I wasn't that fair to start with but still... But despite this darker complexion I would have to endure in the following months, the experience I had that resulted to this dilemma will never compare. It was worth it! My first ever ILC was a blast, I learned a lot and stand in awe of all the people who simply live to love the Lord... It is a struggle to do so, but it is the only way to live... Pocahontas skin, nah, this is TATAK KRISTO!!!:)

Started my Industrial practicum already since last April 14. I will be ending soon, probably by next week unless I'll have to extend. It's been fun and definitely a learning experience. I'm still not totally at ease with the industrial set up, but I'm not closing any doors. I've already finished the project given to me and hopefully (keep your fingers crossed!) it will turn out fine, so far comments have been on the positive. I have made friends with my colleagues. They are one kwela bunch, although there are still the serious ones which is quite fine. I'll miss them when I end my practicum...:)

Summer alone, not absolutely but I have this cousin/bestfriend who left me... hehe. Well, she left for the States because of her visa and I've been missing her since. Hope you're doin fine oput there... Ayan, nagpost na ko para may mabasa ka and to keep you updated na rin... It won't be the same without you here... for good. Hay, don't want to think about it for the moment but with your things being moved already, the reality of it has started to struck me... I'm missing you already and I know I'll be missing you even more... :(

I've been gaining and gaining and gaining some more weight... so many food around... they are haunting me and they won't let me be... it's their fault, I swear! huhuhu... I can't afford to gain more...ha! The girly syndrome/weight consciousness to the nth level has strike again... Can't help it, it's in the hormones....hehe. I'm glad the celebrations are over (Achie/Ditse birthday bash), so that I can start with my pretend diet!haha!...

The summer has so far been a whirlwind of events, so many things happening at the same time and not happening at the same time, get me? Oh, don't bother anymore... Chiao!:)

love ilc

Change/Growth: The process by which my inside begins to match my outside.

Just got back yesterday from our yfc conference: tatak-kristo, 2008 ilc.

Love one another as I have loved you.

Somehow the whole experience felt surreal. It's like I'm in another dimension and all things happening around me can happen only in dreams.

Now that I'm back to reality, well, it really is quite hard.

Trials, challenges and temptations are so near.

Lord, I really need your help in all of this.

How I wish I'll be able to leave the past behind and start anew.

But like what I have realized, truly one can never have control over ones' life, it is only God who has that power, all I need to do is surrender everything to Him.

I need to put up with the battle and I need to be strong.

Tatak-Kristo! Need to keep that in mind.

Love you Lord!:)

Nga pala, for those who will be seeing me... negra na ko... haha, sunburned to the highest level..all for God!:)

cutest thing ever!!!

grabe, sobrang cute niya. the attitude talaga! hay, little kids really have this innocent demeanor in them that simply melts your heart...:) this made my day!:) love it!

my. personality. portrait.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!


= kailangan ko lang ilabas!

= hayz!

=bakit kasi?

=bakit?!!!?

Help me Lord God!

expectations lead one to disappointments.

disappointments lead to realizations.

realizations lead to action or inaction.

which one to choose?

which one to choose?

Hearts Day '08

Hearts Day = Valentines Day!

This year's Valentine felt quit ordinary compared to previous years... as if I ever expected 

for something out of the ordinary to happen. Hehe. Maybe it was also due to the fact that I
was quite busy that day... but this year's "hearts day" so to speak, made me realize things that
are more important. Things I should be putting more value at this point in my life. Before I
admit to envying and longing also for a special someone to profess their love for me... (sounds cheesy, mushy and corny...haha... pero kaya nga fantasy lang...), but Valentines is not all about
that kind of love alone. Love may come in different shapes and sizes... in friendships (thank you
for a Valentine night spent with you...had a lot of fun, missed you a lot! Appreciated the effort you put through just to show you care, sensya I wasn't able to put the same effort.); in ones family (Unconditional love! That's how much our family value us, although they might not openly say it, actions undeniably shout it out to us! Hope you guys felt the love I feel for you from that small token of sweetness... Hehe.); in our Savior who died just to save us (The prayer meeting 
made me realize just how much God loves me, and that no matter what He will always be there
for you and me. He loved me first and He loved me still despite. Isn't that simply amazing?!) :)

Love is definitely in the air. It's all around us. We just have to be sensitive enough to widen
our hearts and receive the love unselfishly given to us! Kaya what are you waiting for? Love, love and love even more! Hehe. Kilig, kilig! :)

paranoid me

i still can't read you. i still get nervous as to what you might be thinking. i stress over the fact that something seems to be wrong and maybe, just maybe with a big possibility i might have caused you to feel such. i'm paranoid, i know. but i guess that's how it is when you care for someone. you fret, you worry, you agonize... that in a flash of a moment, you might make a wrong move to cause 
the fragile connection to break 

and 

be 

shattered 

forever.   

Smiling Amidst the Struggle

“Cooperation is doing with a smile what you have to do anyway.”

This, I guess, is one of the things I find hard to do. I admit that most of
the time I easily lose my temper. Before I thought that I am a really patient 
person, but was I wrong. Nowadays, I often catch myself grudgingly doing 
things for other people. Thoughts of wanting to rattle them to reality is what often occupies my mind (My bad!), and to think I'm in the field 
of having to relate well with other people. It will take lots of effort if
not done willingly, but with just your heart put into the work, it will be
a piece of cake (I hope so). This makes me appreciate service oriented 
people who put their lives on the line for people they don't even know. It is actually one of my biggest dreams and probably the goal I 
have been pursuing. This only makes me realize that a lot of work still 
needs to be done with my character. I need a lot of grace (tons even!). 

I'll take this opportunity to apologize for the many persons I have lashed 
out on, even for no reason at all. For the people who love me, whom I have
 failed to love equally in return. For the many tears, for the pain, for the 
unforgivable words, for the sadness... I'm sorry.     

trapped?

 i want my freedom...

enslaved.

i am.

please help me God!

busy?

that was the tagline...from one of the emails i recieved. and it seems to be that is how i have been describing the state of my life. so many tasks to do, here and there, everywhere! it just doesn't seem to end. but that email made me realize the importance of prayer. even Jesus Christ was busy, yet he had or took the time to pray. that was His secret... that was where He gathered strength... so i tell you my friend.. let us take the time to pray... to offer up all our tasks to Him who is the source of everything. :)

the pieces

thought of changing my template, but somehow it just did'nt fit. i guess i'm not ready for change. i feel uncomfortable thinking about change. and to think that it's the only thing permanent in this world. maybe that explains why i haven't been feeling quite right these past few days. somehow i don't seem to fit. anywhere. i become paralyzed and i freeze. i totally let go. and lose all control. now, i'm regaining it all back. just you wait as i pick up the pieces. it's a new beginning but i left myself somewhere in the ending. and i have to find my way back. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

this feeling i have is...

happiness! 

pure and true...

i just hope it lasts...
a little longer...

nothing lasts forever,


and yet i still wish
to clling on to it.

walang pakielaman.

minsan lang to eh!

Jesus is that you?

I saw Him in the little child's face... Suddenly, I felt this feeling inside that something was definitely amidst.
Everyday I encounter little children or elderly persons, all dirty and somehow lost. They come near you and ask for even just a small amount money for them to have something to eat. Each and every time, they never fail to affect me.

To tell you the truth, I often feel uneasy when this happens. I am just not certain on what is the right thing to do, on what action to take. What are the limits? What are the necessary actions? As a child of God, up to what extent should I be willing to offer?

I am actually also guilty at times when I give but not at all willingly, when I think twice before actually putting those few tinkling coins in their hands, when I don't take the opportunity to extend help and give love, when I doubt them, when I avoid them, when I help but somehow expect something in return... Mixed emotions in a single encounter.

One thing is for sure, I saw God in the little child's face. I saw Jesus' reflection in those angelic eyes.
Maybe, I'll still feel the same awkwardness, maybe I'll still react the same way but I know that little by little I am changed; little by little I struggle to be more loving.

At the end of the day, we are all brothers and sisters. We all come from the same Creator, we have all been saved and loved. That I would say is reason enough for us to do something in our own way.

Nothing will happen if we don't do anything. They are indeed God's blessings for they give us the opportunity to be better persons. :)

just felt a connection

once there was a butterfly in my palm
but i let it fly
not because i don't love it
but i want it to enjoy with the flowers and the bees,.,

keeping it in my palm won't make it the best butterfly it can be,.,

so far from a distance, im happier watching it
fly and play
in the garden while the sun is still shining,.,

because when the rain comes,.,

i'll know...
if it truly loves me...
it will fly back to me

~let me fly, let me soar, let me go... i want freedom, and i want it now... i feel your arms tight around me and to tell you honestly, i can't breathe properly... don't be afraid to loosen your grip, don't worry... i love you and i'll come back... as i am, whole and so much better...~

the break is over

reality sweeps in again and takes me away from paradise. not necessarily paradise, but rest pauses in life we have come to appreciate. the second semester of my junior year is
looming in. i don't want to go to school just yet. although there is no reason to delay.
i somehow feel that i am close to suffocating. i have this nervous tick inside my heart, like there is something not quite right. i'm feeling unprepared. once again i'm feeling helpless. i detest having this feeling, and allowing it to dwell in me. need to get back on my feet, the world is spinning and i'm left hanging.

Money

talks

and

I

hate

it!

God is loving and merciful!

Why is God so unfair?

Why does He allow these bad things to happen to us?

Why do evil people go unpunished?

These and many other questions have been in existence, even I myself have often wondered what the answers are. While reading the Bible last night, I came upon this verse that I guess would come close to answering these “why’s”?

Not that you were without power to have the wicked vanquished… But condemning them bit by bit, you gave them space for repentance. (Wisdom 12:9-10)

How amazing is that? God can punish us with every sin or mistake we do, He can but He chooses not to. It may seem at times that people who don’t even deserve it get off the hook, but in actuality, not one of us is really worthy. Each one of us is sinful, each one of us deserves to be punished for the many sins we have committed but God does not do it. He loves you! Yes, you!

He still has this hope within Him that we can still repent and change. He simply hopes that we ask for forgiveness, that’s it. In God’s eyes, even if you may be a murderer or a thief, or you cheat other people or can’t control the urge to say bad words, you may still change, it’s never too late! He welcomes you with open arms. He will even grant you the grace to be able to do it. So, look up you are never alone, He hasn’t forgotten you, it’s just that He loves us all equally.

God truly is and simply is awesome!

Let’s not waste that love. Let’s return that love and do our best by showing that we value it.:)

back to the "dark room" with the window now open

Constructive Criticism? I don't think so... but I guess I could take it as one. It caught me off
guard, hearing the words said out loud. "Lalo na ito, talagang wala." or something that goes like that, referring to my non-existent talent. Do you really have to rub it in? It already hurts as it is. It again got me back to the "dark room."

That place where I once was, where all the insecurities and negative energy were locked up.
I'll admit it, it got me nowhere...  And just when I'm already better off, here it is
again presenting itself to haunt me.

It is quite frustrating to answer questions and fill out application forms asking you what your talents are or asking you to indicate your skills. Unlike many people who can confidently say that they
 can sing, dance, paint or whatever. I don't actually belong to any of those. I still am seeking... I believe that God has 
something in store for me. Maybe I'm just too blinded to actually see it or may I'm just trying too hard to 
search for it. 

I'm sure many of us are still in the searching zone. Keep that spark in 
you alive. Just as long as you are doing your best in whatever you're in, 
I guess that in itself is talent enough. We should actually be more thankful, 
we're unique! (or is that just another excuse, just joking)

Thanks to that not so pleasant encounter, it reminds me to strive even 
harder. Not so that I could please them,but so that I could make something 
worthwhile out of my life and give it back as gift to God.:)
   

The heat and the temper rises

found out that i'm really a moody person. easily irritated. it shows. from the observation of one of my constant companion. hay. really have to control my temper. the flushed look in my face is undeniable. oh well. i just can't help it especially when trapped in a situation when my emotions are gradually rising and tensing up. to defend myself. i have to say this does not only happen when i am annoyed but also when embarrassed and put in the spot. hmmm. is it so bad? i'm only human anyway. :(

i'm just blessed to have patient friends. and not so patient sisters. haha. whom i love all the same.:)

09-08-07

Happy Birthday Mama Mary!:)

On the mission

“One of the major dilemmas we face both as individuals and as a society is simplistic thinking — or failure to think at all." -Psychotherapist Scott Peck

Most of time, we resort to going with the flow. It's much easier that way... hassle free and worry free. What with the technology we have right now, anything goes with just a click of a button. All the information you might need can readily be available to you in a matter of seconds. Studies and researches 
have been made on just about every topic or issue. It appears that there 
seems to be no need for thinking. 

The world can go on spinning without us. 
But this is where we are all wrong.

God created us with a heart and a mind of our own. He did not do this without reason. He made us
for a specific mission and purpose. To be able to fulfill this mission would be no easy task. We can easily be swallowed by what is happening around us. We might lose our way on the path which was meant for us. If we don't take action, if we don't do anything with what  was given us... nothing will become of us. 

The picture: us coming and leaving the same, with no 
contribution and with no realization, like the wind passing by, not leaving a trace of its presence.

I wouldn't want that happening. Would you?
 
God would have expected something of his creation: us, you and me.
 
Let's not waste the blessings he keeps on showering upon us.

Let's start thinking right and let's start acting right.:)

Good day!:) God Bless you!:)

Exams week = Pure torture

Hours and hours of pointless reviewing (not like I spend that much time), sleepless nights, endless headaches, dizziness, blank expression, fatigue... symptoms of a student during examinations.
Haaay... I really don't like undergoing the agony of "exams week!" Well, it has long been over. A week has passed and now it continues to haunt me. My exam results aren't worth talking about, let alone mention. I have realized that I'm no good at answering multiple choice type questions... we just don't click. Whoever said that the first guess that comes to mind will usually be the correct answer... it didn't work for me. Instead of becoming all bitter about it, I'll just have to work doubly hard in the remaining days ar the semester... or else doom is waiting just around the corner. I know I'm talking in circles. So I guess I'd have to stop. Ciao!

A Pure Heart by Jon Walker

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10 NIV)

Oh God, create in me a pure heart ...

A heart that won’t run with lust after physical pleasure,
A heart that obediently refuses what you’ve rightly and wisely fenced away as sin,
A heart of love that never insists on its own way (1 John 2:16).


Oh God, create in me a pure heart ...

A heart that knows no greed when it looks upon worldly treasures,
A heart that thinks of others, and not itself,
A heart that argues for love instead of fairness.


Oh God, create in me a pure heart ...

A heart that never boasts about what it has or what its done,
A heart that walks humbly, not trying to appear more important than it is,
A heart that takes no pride in the flesh.


Oh God, create in me a pure heart ...

A heart that chases after you,
A heart that looks to you for its provision,
A heart that trusts that you are at work in others,
A heart that does not manipulate people or circumstances,
A heart that looks upon the things above and not the things below.


Heavenly Father, renew a steadfast spirit within me ...

A spirit committed completely to you,
A spirit that is not double-minded,
A spirit that is focused, and single minded on your purposes,
A spirit resolved to know Christ and Christ alone.


So what?

Start from the top of the devotional, and work your way down.

= inspiring devotional... with the world we are in today, temptations are everywhere, but let us hold fast to the Lord to help us in our weakness... :)

God is good!

I realized how depressive I can be. And to think that I thought I had the capability to endure. Everything that's been happening to me was just too much. I didn't know where to pick myself up. I wanted to 
stop time just so I could  catch up with what's going on.  Everything's going too fast and I'm too slow to catch up. It's times like this when God taps me on my shoulder to remind me that I am not alone. That somehow I've forgotten that He was beside me all this time. Since I hadn't thought of consulting Him earlier, He sent me people called "friends" to continue reminding me that life is good. That God is good. That after a long day, there are still more reasons to be happy than sad. For this, I thank you. My friends. Alam niyo na kung sino kayo. And most especially my God.  

Same old game

Is this just but a game we're playing?
You and I as partners.
Holding hand in hand,
making a vow to never let go,
promising that no one gets left behind.
If you say we are one, why then do I feel all alone? 
If this is just a game you're playing, stop... I don't want to go on. 

A sense of overwhelming sadness flooded my being, a concoction of different shades of blue. My soul is drowned and yet it kept struggling. At the end of it all, despite the mixed emotions, I am left knowing not how to feel...

Sunshine through the Clouds

After some time of not being able to blog, due to a lot of reasons, here i am once again! My third year college life has just began and it seems that it's gonna be a long journey. What with the major subjects piling in, the drama of everyday life, self-realizations, unforeseen trials and the whatnots of surviving... a heavy sigh is sure to follow. Oh, well! I'm just thankful that God is the ultimate reason for everything. He never fails to make me smile! :) And for those people God sends to make that smile possible... thank you!:)

kumusta na puso ko?

Since valentines is fast approaching, I can't help but wonder and reflect on the state of my heart...

Right now, my heart is excited, nervous, confused, content and hoping.

What's the cause of all these?

I'm excited at the thought of extending my service for God, of stepping up a level higher, of loving more people, of growing more and being closer to Him. At the same time, I'm afraid and nervous... I don't know what to expect. What will the morrow bring? It's all uncertain and I know that all I need to do is to trust God. He won't let me down but I'm only human and I know that God understands why I may be feeling scared. It's enough that despite of this fear I may be feeling, I'll still go on and fight. Courage is not the absence of fear. It's facing the fear and saying I'm gonna do it anyway. Confused because it seems that what I've decided upon is the right thing, it's what God wants, it's what I want and yet the people I love and care for, the people I don't wanna hurt the most are the ones telling me to not go on. They are the ones who are against it. What do I choose? How do I decide? I'm confused. It's hard. I don't know what to do. I'm contented. As I was walking with my mom and grandma this morning, with grocery bags on my hands, I can't help but smile. I realized right then and there that I was blessed. I'm happy and I have this feeling of peace within me despite the chaos that surrounds me. Lastly, my heart is hoping. Hoping to be able to decide what God really wants for me. Hoping that I'll find the light to discern what to do. Hoping that I'll have someone to love in the future who will love me in return. Hoping to make the people around me happy. Hoping that I'll be able to finally forgive myself. Hoping that as I sleep later tonight I'll again feel God's embrace, hugging me tight.:)

alternative class...

I recently attended a seminar on "Overcoming Stress and Bringing Joy Back Into My Life." As part of the seminar, we were asked to list our" TOP TEN STRESS BUSTERS." Here's mine:

1. Pray. An effective way of calming yourself and getting to know God more. Two weeks ago I was in a really tight situation, I got so depressed that even my friends couldn't talk me through it. I decided to visit the chapel and to just have a moment of silence and meditation. It helped me a lot. I left the chapel feeling far more better and a lot happier. I realized a lot of things about myself and thought of ways to solve the problem I have.

2. Eat. Whether you admit it or not, we enjoy eating 99% of the time. It reduces any uncomfortable feeling, I think. Especially recommended are sweets... the popular chocolates and my beloved ICE CREAM.:) Yumyum!

3. Laugh. Even at a corny joke. It's a way of boosting your energy level and making you a bot morte cheerful. It's fun and is sai to make you look younger and feel younger too.:)

4. Plan ahead and stick to it. In my case, I get rattled when things suddenly seems to be out of my control. It's better for me to have a plan or an overview of things to come. It's readying yourself for what is to come. Sticking to ones plan is really hard but it is so much worth the trouble.

5. Sing and dance? Like nobody is watching just to get you in the mood. Make an effort to get you out of that slum you are in. Singing your favorite tune helps and dancing will make you laugh at yourself.

6. Read. Books... :) I haven't been having much time to read. Reading helps you think and let your imagination fly. It makes you realize a lot of things about yourself, about other people and about life. It's fun and inspiring at the same time.

7. Worship. With eyes closed. Before, I would feel conscious about other people watching me. But now, I no longer care. I sing my heart out for the Lord because He so deserves it.:) Everytime I worship, I close my eyes and feel God's embrace. Ang sarap ng feeling. Parang lahat nagfa-fade. It's only you and your God. After every worship, I feel like a new person. Ang sarap magmahal ni God.:) Worship for me is God's tight embrace. Worship for me is an expression of my love, my thoughs, my sorrows, my happiness, my faith for Him.:)

8. Music. Listening to any song, any type of music releases any emotion. Whether it be negative or positive. It's better if you can sing-along with it. Walang pakielamanan. Hehe.

9. Chat. Kwentuhan to the max with friends... lam niyo na kung sinu kayo. It hepls a lot. It's fun and unforgettable. You don't even care what time it is. Nakakamiss... And also with my sisters... nakakamiss rin. We're all busy but I tell you, moments like this are worth cherishing forever. The endless laughter and the uncontrollable tears. Hay!

10. Reflect and Take time alone. It hepls to do things you feel like doing ones in a while. To just stop and check if you're still doing okei.

This may not be applicable to all. For me, it works talaga! Hehe. So get out of that depressing mood, there are a lot of ways to fight those! You just have to look around and count the blessings you might have overlooked. Smile! God loves you so much! Mwah!:)

How am I doin'?

What's the state of my heart? In all aspects...

First of all, I've missed blogging and surfing the net. Hehe. It's been quite a while. What with so many things to do left and right? But it's alright because I can actually say right now that I'm quite happy and satisfied.:)

Family. Hmmm... We're okei!:) We still have that spice of having arguments now and then. Catfights. Hehe. But in the end, we still kiss and make up. I actually observed that we haven't been arguing as much unlike before. Maybe we all are growing more maturely.:) All I know is that I love them much much. I may not openly express it most of the time... but I really do love them!:) I LOVE YOU papa, mama, achie, ditse and siobe!... I'd like to take this moment to say a BIG THANK YOU for everything and a SINCERE SORRY for all the headaches I might've caused. I promise to be better in all respects... it may not happen overnight but surely I'll strive hard.:) Aja!:)

Academics. Fairly well. I haven't been able to give my vey best. It's like I don't have the drive, the motivation I need to use the fullest of my potentials. It's actually very frustrating. Almost all my subjects are okei except that of Chemistry! Even my test paper has gone to outer space... (hopefully our professor was able to find it.) This last remaining part of the second semester, may we all do well!:)

Friends. I'm having more of them...:) I'm happy cause I have someone to keep me company. I have them to love and care for. Although I can't seem to be able to confide in them. Some things may really be better if left unsaid. But I'm super thankful to all of them (you know who you are) especially for all the smiles they bring to my life.:)

Love LIfe. Don't worry I don't have any "special someone." But I have a lot of love surrounding me.:) Sometimes I am left thinking if I'm meant for married life. Haha. Ang aga pa alam ko. But then I can't help but think of the plan God has for my life. Well, I trust Him... I trust His will. Basta right now, I'm happy.:)

Service. I'm happy to finally be coming out of my shell for Him. I still hesitate most of the time but I'm glad cause I don't close myself anymore as I have before. I put my trust in Him and He has never let me down. I'm so blessed to have the privilege of knowing Him more and more each day. I marvel at His greatness and I grow in love with Him more and more each day.:) By the way, I just turned ONE today... One year as a YFC-UST member!:) Yey! I feel super happy and blessed. Looking back it has been a long journey and I don't plan on ending it any time soon. Happy happy.:)

Adios amigas!:) God Bless! Stay happy! Smile smile!:)

Welcome 2007!!!

A beautiful start to a beautiful year!:)

I have made plenty of "New Year's Resolutions." Why? It may seem childish but then I see this as a way of improving myself. It's like I know I have a secret mission and I can't mess up. It's like having a goal each day and feeling happy that you've accomplished it a little more each day. I won't bore you by enumerating each one. Hehe. I just feel happy setting goals for myself and knowing that it's not impossible to reach them with hardwork and a passionate heart.:)

God Bless! Aja!:)

Happy New Year!:)

Second Semester... here I come?

Ang bilis! Tapos na kaagad yung sembreak. Di ko man lang masyadong naramdaman. Sa Monday may pasok na naman. Hayz! Ayaw ko pa pumasok, parang di pa ata ako ready pero walang magawa, we have to be up for the challenge that awaits us! Aja!

The results of the 1st semester or rather my grades, were quite okei. There is a marked improvement compared to my previous grades, although I still feel that I could have done much better. Yabang ba? hehe. Pero totoo naman. Kasi alam mo naman sa sarili mo if you've given you're best. And I think that I haven't really given my all.

The enrolment. We finished early. But. I didn't like the PE that I will be having this semester. Social dance. Talk about torture. It is a known fact that I don't dance at all. I had no choice. It was the only PE left. Not only that but it's every Saturday. Ahhhhh! Well, can't do anything about it. I just hope that I can do well, maybe it won't be as bad as I imagine it to be. I'm still hoping that I could change my PE. Hay!

Last Saturday. We went to Intramuros-Fort Santiago for a field trip with the kids of Diosdado Macapagal Elementary School and the ARAL group. Although it was really hot, we had fun. It was nice seeing the kids enjoying themselves, and not worrying about what the answer is in a difficult math problem. It was nice seeing them as they really are-innocent kids, carefree and naive. :)

Well, now I'm making the most of what is left of my sembreak. Trying to relax before finally having to face what lies ahead. Aja!

Sembreak na! Alas!

The long awaited break is finally here- 3 weeks of who knows what! It seems that it is a pretty long relaxation period in preparation for another term of hardship in the hands of multiple professors! The mere thought of what is to come gives me the chills. But for now -the problem at hand is what results will the blood and sweat we have put through (okei i exaggerated just a little... hehe) to get pass this semester yield... we just have to sit still and wait. Hopefully all of us will pass the semester. :)

Now...? What have I been doing for the first few days of the sembreak? It's basically the same thing- watching (tv, koreanovelas-Love Story in Harvard, movies or whatever is it that seems interesting), washing the dishes (we will soon get married those plates and I-watch out for the invitations my friends), reading books (got to catch up with my reading), sleeping (the soft pillows...hmmm...) and of course! eating! hehe. I hope to add something much more productive on those list.

That's all for now guys! Enjoy your sembreak amigas! Godbless!:)

A moment to reflect...

It's funny how in a span of only 13 days, you feel as though your life has suddenly turned upside-down. All the things you once believed to be true is snatched away from you, taken and never ever returned. How would you feel upon waking up one day and seeing that you are in a completely new world, with new faces and a new you? What is past cannot be remembered and what is present too bizarre to grasp. Would you feel happy to start over again and bury your treasury of past regrets? Or would you cry in anguish because the dreams you've made true has now been erased from time immemorial?

Well, what I'm getting at is... Can you proudly say in your life today that you have actually accomplished something? That you have something you can be proud of? Or are you still slumping in your seat, too lazy to get up? Or are you driving yourself to insanity moving in circles...not knowing which direction to take next?

We aren't gettinng younger by the minute.

The moment we breath in life into this world is also the moment that our life slowly ends... bit by bit... second by second...

I don't think I have already done something to be proud of. It's like I'm using time to create more chaos than peace. It's a struggle. It will always be. But I'm not losing hope. These things I'm facing right now are there to make me stronger. Aja! Live. Laugh. Love. :)

Happenings... happenings...

Latest and recent upadates about my life:

- I lost my cellphone. Or rather got it snatched. Or maybe it fell out of my pocket. I am actually not sure. I know, stupid me. It was two weeks ago. (august 31-last day of the month). I was having a miserable day because of the following reasons: 1. I had my monthly period semi-unexpectedly. It was supposed to be long over. But no. It was insistent to be out of my system. I had a drop of tagos in perfectly white uniform. Plus I was experiencing the sumpong syndrome. That undeniable extreme irritable state. And yet I kept denying. 2. I left my semi-finished project at home which was due the next day. Actually I left the finished draft that I was only suppose to transfer. I was going to finish it in the library so that I could still be able to attend the prayer meeting and yet I left it. Hay! 3. My GTEC wasn't working. It was the pen I was going to use for the project. 4. I decided to skip the prayer meeting and go home early. I was looking forward to it since it happens only once a week for our cluster. 5. I am feeling totally miserable and out of myself. 6. I lost my phone because I was too depressed to notice anything.

- Last Tuesday, I fell out of the teachers desk in front of the whole class. Haha. What an embarassing moment. Me and my peers were gathered round the teacher's desk and I and another friend was sitting on the desk. When suddenly the door opened and our professor and the adjudicator for the class debate came in and my friends and I panicked. The other one sitting on the desk hopped off and took the whole table with her including me. I literally flew out of the air and fell with a thud in the floor. Result is a flat butt. Hehe. Nakakahiya! I looked like a child daw with matching doll shoes. Haha.

- Right now, I'm drowned by the pile of work that needs to be done. > I don't know where to start! I am not at all gifted with creativity. I get lost when asked for ideas. Kahit katiting wala pag kailangan mo. Hay! Need to have a topic for a speech para sa oral communications class. Preparing myself for the humiliation. And also a public speaker to be evaluated. Have to transfer the datas of our experiments in our logbook. Need to write a paper about the movie "Les Miserables" I know it's really not that much. But I just can't seem to start. Oh well, have to do it. Aja! Go go go!!! :)

First KATAYAN session...

The dreaded moment finally came last 22nd of August (Tuesday). I was actually preparing myself for what was to come. Knowing myself as being sensitive, I just put into mind that whatever will be said is for my own improvement (hopefully) and is not at all personal. And so the moment came. Well, it wasn't as bad or as horrorful as what I imagined it to be. It was actually fine.

I was the only one who brought something and so their attention was solely upon me. I guess that instead of me being the one tortured so to speak, it was actually them who can't wait for the session to be finally over. hahaha! I understand. My work really needs a lot of improvement. They were even kind enough not to tell the truth that what I had written was inches of becoming labeled as "trash". I see their minds throbbing... yelling "stop! enough!" hehe. It seems to me that I'm getting carried away by my insanity. Bear with me.

But honestly, I learned a lot and am very thankful for the advices. One thing I can say about them is that they are 101% "ASTIG!!!" No doubt about that. I'm actually looking forward to the next KATAYAN session... but before that I need to do a LOT of reading and editing. Aja!

Long time... No Post!!!

Grabe! Sobrang tagal ko na di nakakapagpost... 1 month!!! hehe... So? Ano na nga ba nangyayari sa buhay ko? It's really quite complicated, para kasing ang dami kong ginagawa and yet, I often ask myself, am I really happy with what I'm doing? Is this what I really want? Although, I'm assured that "Indeed! I love what I'm doing. I'm happy with it..." It can't be helped that when certain aspects of my life don't go as planned, I am left feeling this emptiness, this sense of not being able to sense... ("Does that make sense?" hehe...) As what was said earlier in mass, we should be prepared to have back-up plans... from plan A to plan Z... It won't always go the way we planned it to but then maybe it was God's plan that happened... and just the mere thought of that... makes me smile! Even if the the world turns its back on me, I'll still be having someone, far greater and loving... The One who receives me with open arms, no matter what... no matter when... :)